Frequently Asked Questions - Parent to Parent

Parents share information and answer frequently asked questions about SIDS:

How do you answer the question, "How many children do you have?"

We post a Question of the Week to the SIDS List Server Discussion Area and on the SIDS Information Web Site. Responses can be emailed to us at sidsnet1-at-sids-network-dot-org or posted to the SIDS List Server Discussion Area. We will then post the responses to this page of the web site. The responses are opinions and no one person is right or wrong. We do not need to include an individual's name or any other identifying factors unless the author requests to be identified in some way or they want their email address attached.

The question for the weeks of April 27 - May 11, 1997 was:

How do you answer the question, "How many children do you have?"

Responses are listed below. Please feel free to add a response by e-mailing sidsnet1-at-sids-network-dot-org. Please include the question, your response, and include in the subject line "FAQ - Parent to Parent."

that question isn't easy......we usually answer that question depending on how we feel and who asks....but when it comes to saying 4 including Kymberlee we say that we have had four children and that one is no longer with us. (Tue, 29 Apr 1997)

Sometimes I say four, which includes our SIDS child, and sometimes I say three. It depends on how prepared I feel to answer the next question, which would be, how old are they? If I'm not up to going into detail about having lost our first child to SIDS, then I don't mention him. I feel quite a lot of guilt when I do this too. And I get angry when MY PARENTS do the same thing when telling someone how many grandkids they have, EVEN knowing they omit him for the same reason I do sometimes... (Tue, 29 Apr 1997)

I say that I have 2 boys and 1 girl. If they ask about ages I tell them 5, 16 months, and one that would have been 3 in July. I get this question quiet often since I am expecting our fourth in late June. If I have Brittney and Ashley with me Brittney will usually answer before I have the chance, Brittney also makes sure that then know that I have a baby in my tummy. (Tue, 29 Apr 1997)

I, myself, always answer the question with I have 3 children. If they ask me their ages, I say 3, 6 weeks, and one who would be 20 months old. (Or their ages at that time) If they ask the "What do you mean would be?" question, I then tell them about Zach. My husband on the other hand usually just says 2 children. This usually upsets me, but maybe it's his way of dealing with it. (Tue, 29 Apr 1997)

I have only been asked this question a couple times and it has been from people that I will probably never see again and who were only making small talk. So, what I usually say to them is 'Not right now.' If they were really interested in finding out more, I expect them to answer, 'Does that mean that you used to?' or 'Do you intend to have children?' So far, no one has ever asked me further questions so they obviously weren't interested in hearing any details. I will not answer the question with a simple 'No' because that is denying my son's existence which I would never do. (Wed, 30 Apr 1997)

Our daughter, Alexandra, was our only child. We are both 24 years old, so the question, "Do you have any children?" arises (which it does quite often) we always answer "yes." We explain that we have a baby girl who isn't with us any longer. If the person wants to press the issue, we explain that she left us in January due to SIDS. (Thu, 1 May 1997)

Almost always my answer is four. If it is a stranger that I won't see again, then I usually just say three. I am very open with people about how many children I have. I want everyone to know about my son, Casey. I just don't feel right saying only three. Casey is still very much apart of our family. (Sun, 4 May 1997)

One year ago, on 5/6/96, my daughter was stillborn at 38 weeks. I am now pregnant again ( 29 weeks along) so I get asked the question "Is this your first?" quite often. At first, my response was "yes." I did not want to have to explain my first's death with every stranger who asked. But then I found myself on the receiving end of all this pregnancy "advice" given to me by someone who was assuming that this really was my first experience with it. I also started feeling guilty because it was like I was trying to pretend that someone who was a very real and very special part of my life never existed. Now, I respond "Sort-of..." when someone asks. Surprisingly, I guess that most folks get the "Don't go there!" vibe with that response, so there have not been any questions further than that. Usually they just say something like "Well good luck to you!" or go on to ask other things not referring to my previous pregnancy. (Mon, 5 May 1997)

The answer to the question depends greatly on who your speaking to and the moment your in emotionally. Also, whether you other children are present to refute your answer.

My most frequent answer is "I had 3 children." If someone picks up on the past tense, I respond with my list. Most of the time, people don't notice. Another trick is to mention the surviving children last so that the individual can choose to respond to your loss or comment on the surviving children. (Fri, 9 May 1997)

My daughter didn't die as a result of SIDS. However I have good friends who have been affected by SIDS. This home page was the first one I found after my daughter died as a result of Hypo-plastic left heart syndrome. Everyone at SIDS Network got me through many tear filled nights.

As for the question of How many kids do you have? I always say three. If they ask well where is the other one. I will tell them she passed away when she was four days old. Her twin is living and I don't feel right saying I have two children. I feel as though I am leaving her out. Some people will pry some don't. I wear a mother's necklace that has three children on it. That has initiated many a conversation.

This is how I handle that question. Everyone is different but I have to include my angel whenever talking about my children. She is and always will be my child. She just lives in a better place than we do. (Fri, 9 May 1997)

One age 6 months. (Fri, 9 May 1997)

How do I answer the question of how many children? I say, "Ruby would be (however many) months." Most people don't pick up on the "would be". Those that do, depends who they are, sometimes I tell them, sometimes I gloss over it. I have April who is now 7 weeks, and Ruby would have been almost 20 months. (Sat, 10 May 1997)

That is a hard one....sometimes I say 2...the ones that I have now...but other times I say 3... the ones that I should have. I have always referred to Allison as my first daughter, my first child...and in my heart she is always the eldest child in our family. But it is hard to have to explain to strangers that I had another child, and sometimes not worth the effort for people that I won't see again....but for others that I will see or talk to frequently I have never hidden the fact that our family is missing a child. So the answer to the question is that for me, the answer changes depending on the situation. (Sat, 10 May 1997)

I say, I have 5 children. A step-daughter whom I love as my own, she's 9,
a son who's 7, a daughter who's 3, a son -he'd be two but passed away
from SIDS and lives in Heaven now, and a newborn son who's 4 1/2 months.
This always promotes a question, and I have the opportunity to educate
someone new about SIDS, and share the story of my beautiful boy. (21 June 1997)

I find that when I don't acknowledge my daughter I feel horrible afterwards, so this is not a solution for me. But at the same time I don't want to create an awkward moment with everyone I talk to if there is a way around it. (6 June 1997)

I have a "Crystal Kids" necklace with 2 little girl birthstones and a
little girl angel birthstone. (I have two living daughters and one in
Heaven.) People see the necklace and ask questions. They can usually
figure out the meaning of the angel, and I imagine they would know the
meaning if it was the only charm on the necklace.

I try to always include my daughter - I also feel horrible if I don't include
her in my answers. Depending on the situation, I have answered "I have
had 3 daughters", "We have two living daughters", etc. In your
situation, I might answer, "My daughter died last November". That would
allow the person to say "I'm sorry" or ask questions.

As far as reunions go, I bet that one of your classmates has experienced
a similar loss. Infant death is so common - once it became a part of my
life I really found a lot of neighbors, church acquaintances, etc. that
also lost children in various stages of pregnancy.

My school publishes a reference book for ex-students that shows where all
of the graduates live, occupations, their phone numbers, spouses and
children. I have my daughter listed with her birthdate and death date, along
with my other daughters.

You daughter is a very important part of who you are. You have a child.
She just happens to not be where you want her to be. (6 June 1997)

I think the most important thing for you is to do what you feel
comfortable doing. You have to think of you first and if you feel
strong enough then you should share, but if you can't because it is too
painful then you shouldn't feel guilty either way, whatever you decide.

I tell people I have 5 children....3 living and 2 angels that are my
honorary children that watch out for me and mine, if they get it they
get it, if they don't they don't. I will share more information if they
ask or depending on my mood. The decision is mine to make and I don't
feel uncomfortable either way. The way I look at it is that any pg is a
commitment emotional and physical to our children whether they are
living or not. We shouldn't be denied this, like we are too many times.

I have often been suprised by the compassion I have received from
"strangers" when I share my story with them. We will always and forever
be mommies to our angels, we mother them with "what ifs" and "what could
have been" and what they would have "looked" liked. We carry them with
us where ever we go and in whatever we do no one can ever take this away
from us. (6 June 1997)

I also lost my only child and I have different answers I use at different
times. For people I'll never see again who don't seem that sympathetic, I
just say "No, I don't, unfortunately" (the "unfortunately" prevents them from
then saying, "Well, at your age, you shouldn't wait too much longer" or other
stupid things).

But at a college reunion with people you know better and will spend a lot of
time with, I think you're right that you need to say something. Maybe what
you said about the "sad experience." I sometimes say "It's kind of you to
ask...actually I lost my only child a few months ago." Some people will
quickly apologize and change the subject, others (those who've had losses
too!) are more sympathetic and then you can tell more details if you want. I
wish you good luck...this is the kind of thing that I usually chicken out of! (6 June 1997)

My response, "I had a beautiful baby boy, who'd be around 32 months. He is in Heaven with family, he was born on January 13, 1995 and passed away April 22, 1995 of SIDS.

--Normally next question would be, "Are you planning on having any more?"

Answer to this one, "Now, since I'm single (once again) and refuse to rush the "process" (i.e. finding a husband, getting married, and having another child). My would be 32 months old this month, and because I don't have any more, it's very hard. You already know, there is a void. And maybe when I have another (regardless girl or boy, as long as he/she is healthy), I may fill a little of the empty space in my heart. But at the same token, not to try to "replace" an individual because you can never do that, nor would I want to or try to!!! He will always be my first born." (7/31/97)

My response is always two. I have a 14 year old daughter and a daughter that would be a senior in high school next year. My baby died in 1981 at the age of 7 weeks from SIDS. (3/12/97)

I always answer that question with I've had four children, two boys and two girls. I lost my daughter in February 1987. She was 17 months old then and at this time of typing this she would be 12 years old. I was pregnant when I lost my daughter and had a baby boy. So I wasn't as bad and stressed as I think I would have been if I had had a girl. Well it's 10 years later and I had a little girl 6 months ago and she is so spoiled. My eldest son is 14 and he was the one who found his little sister and was a very aggressive boy up until now. When I had my daughter his attitude completely changed and he tells everybody that he has 2 sisters and 1 brother. (5/10/98)

Aside from my angel in heaven, not yet. (7/16/99)

My response is always "I have three children but my son is an angel." If people want further information then I provide. Since the day he died this has always been my response. All three of my children have their pictures on my desk at school as well as all over my home. If others can't handle this - too bad. He is my son and will always be my son. (12/20/99)