of the SIDS Network continue to grow!
Other ways to help can be found here.
|
|
Frequently Asked Questions - Parent to Parent
Parents share information and answer frequently asked questions about SIDS:What insensitive or hurtful comments have been made to you since your baby's death and how did you handle them?We post a Question of the Month to the SIDS List Server Discussion Area and on the SIDS Information Web Site. Responses can be emailed to us at sidsnet1-at-sids-network-dot-org or posted to the SIDS List Server Discussion Area. We will then post the responses to this page of the web site. The responses are opinions and no one person is right or wrong. We do not need to include an individual's name or any other identifying factors unless the author requests to be identified in some way or they want their email address attached.
The question for March 1999 is: What insensitive or hurtful comments have been made to you since your baby's death and how did you handle them? Responses are listed below. Please feel free to add a response by e-mailing sidsnet1-at-sids-network-dot-org. Please include the question, your response, and include in the subject line "FAQ - Parent to Parent."
Since I had two other boys, I heard comments such as at least you have two other children to love and take care of. One time I told someone, if God said let me take one of yours, which one would you let go of. That made that person give a little more thought to their comment. (3/1/99)
When my boss realized that my daughter's birthday was only a few days away, she looked and me in disgust and said "You're not going to freak out again, are you?". I stated "I don't know, I might!" and walked away. I no longer work there. (3/29/99)
I have never had many memories of the first few days surrounding my daughter's death. I think God does that for us because the anguish would be too much to endure. Ironically, although it has been nearly 30 years, I still remember one comment made to me by an uncle when he came to see us at our home on the day after Laura's death. This particular uncle was very religious and had 11 children. As he bent down to give me a kiss and hug, he said to me something along the lines of "how LUCKY I was to already know that one of my children was in heaven". I suppose his heart was in the right place and that he meant well, but I could see nothing "lucky" or good about the death of my beautiful little girl. I was too numb to respond then but even now I still think it was a terrible thing to say. (7/3/99)
My neighbor, shortly after finding out about my son, had Division of Family Services called on her. Thinking that it was me who had called on her, she made the comment of "why would she want me to loose my child, hers is already dead, so she knows how it feels to loose a child." At first when the comment was made I told her that she had better get out of my house before I kick her butt. Then I realized that would only make matters worse. So I apologized. Now I listen to the comments and say what I think of it then walk away. (5/3/00)
My boss told me just six months after Briana passed away, that
I think the most hurtful thing that was said to me was by my mother. She basically said that I should be thankful that my daughter was in a better place now, she was with God. I was furious, I thought she was in a wonderful place being with me!! I realize now my Mom didn't mean it the way it came out but, it still hurt. People can be pretty insensitive when they can't relate to something you are going through. I've always believed if you don't know what to say, don't say anything at all. Also, my Mom said it was silly to visit her grave as much as I did, it's not like she is actually there, she's in heaven. That comment just totally amazed me. My Mom is a wonderful woman, just doesn't always think before she speaks. (1/2/01)
I lost my husband to a brain aneurysm a little over a year ago. I am still having a hard time. We were married for 38 years and he is my soul mate. I would like to add something to the things people should never say to a grieving person. Over and over again I have been told, 'You are so lucky to have had him for so long.' I know most people mean well but I am broken hearted and I feel that my luck has run out. I cried at work one day shortly after his death and a co-worker said to stop crying because I was lucky to have him and I should be grateful for that.. It was said in a very angry voice. I felt that she didn't think I should grieve because I had my husband for so long. She also told me that she had never had what I had. Frankly it made me very angry for her to tell me things that I already knew. Of course I am very grateful for what I had. Tom was a wonderful person. I feel the more you love someone, the harder recovery is. I do not think it is fair when a person can barely hang on to compare your own life with theirs. It is not my fault that my co-worker didn't have what I had. I don't mean to sound so angry but I thought maybe if I wrote this down I could let go of it. I would far rather have people say nothing than say the wrong thing. A grieving person is vulnerable and easily hurt. Any one who is in doubt as to what to say, just say I am sorry and never tell them how lucky they are. No one would say this to someone that lost a child even if the child is older. No one said it about my brother who died of lung cancer at 48. It seems that people only say how lucky you are for having the person so long if it is a spouse or an elderly parent. (1/17/07)
After my son died, I ran into a co-worker at a local store who I hadn't seen since my son's funeral. She told me that he was in a better place. I asked how he could be in a better place when the best place he could be was with me? He's in the next best place he could be, but the best place for any child is with his or her parents. (2/21/07) |
©1995-2024, SIDS Network, Inc. <http://sids-network.org>
|
Now you can