Frequently Asked Questions - Parent to Parent

Parents share information and answer frequently asked questions about SIDS:

Must I take pictures of my baby down now that it's been X months or years since she/he died?

We post a Question of the Week to the SIDS List Server Discussion Area and on the SIDS Information Web Site. Responses can be emailed to us at sidsnet1-at-sids-network-dot-org or posted to the SIDS List Server Discussion Area. We will then post the responses to this page of the web site. The responses are opinions and no one person is right or wrong. We do not need to include an individual's name or any other identifying factors unless the author requests to be identified in some way or they want their email address attached.

The question for the week of April 13 - April 20, 1997 was:

Must I take pictures of my baby down now that it's been X months or years since she/he died?

Responses are listed below. Please feel free to add a response by e-mailing sidsnet1-at-sids-network-dot-org. Please include the question, your response, and include in the subject line "FAQ - Parent to Parent."

Unless, you yourself feel a need to take them down. You do whatever feels right to YOU.

I know I will NEVER take down my son's pictures. It has been 9 years for us. I have a picture of him along with my two other children's pictures at work. I personally would definitely feel like I was betraying him having been a member of our family. He will always be a part of our family. Having pictures of my baby hanging up also tells everyone else that he will always be a member of our family and that they can feel free to talk about him. Every now and then I look at his picture and wonder "what if he were still here..." I find comfort in looking at his pictures.

Only if you yourself feel a time when you want to put them away. If you do decide to put your baby's pictures away, keep them close by in case you want to look at them at the spur of a moment and/or rehang them. (Mon, 7 Apr 1997)

For me, I had to put the pictures away for a little while. There were days, weeks, and a few months when I didn't take them out. There were other times when I poured over them. Trying to remember every detail about the moment when the photo was taken. I didn't want to forget.

I'm glad that we took pictures of all the aspects of our baby's life, as well as her death. We weren't/aren't trying to be morbid, we just felt at that time it was what we needed to do for that time and space.

My family didn't like the pictures. They are out West, and never came to the funeral. We were trying to include them as much as we could. We didn't care if they hated them, and threw them away right after they got them. We tried to make contact with them and help them help us with our loss.

My step-mom was grateful and glad that I sent her the photos. Her son died of SIDS at 6 months old in the 1950's. Everyone around her said that it was her fault that her son died. I can't imagine the guilt ridden grief that must have chased her. She was glad that I included her in our grieving process and through our loss of our baby, she too began to grieve her long lost little baby boy. Now, she's in heaven with him, probably buzzing up and down the streets of gold having foot races--hee hee hee hee hee hee!! I needed a happy thought!

Bottom line, it's YOUR dance! You lead and others around you must follow your lead. It doesn't matter what the 'proper' thing to do [societally speaking] is, YOU DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO!!! (Mon, 7 Apr 1997)

I agree with what all the others have been saying. When my friend's baby died in Sept. 1995, they decided to have the casket closed at the funeral. On top of the casket was a picture of their baby's very first smile. When she smiled her first smile, my friend grabbed the camera and quickly tried to capture the picture. Well, the picture was a close up shot and was kind of blurred due to the excitement that it was taken in, but my friend treasures it. (As she should) This same picture sits atop of a hope chest in my friend's living room. Around it are candles and angels that my friend has collected in her memory. She also has her professional portrait in her living room. Her home just wouldn't be the same without these pictures.

My cousin also died. He was 8 years old when he died (due to a heart problem) in 1976. It has been 21 years since his death, and my aunt still has his pictures hanging around the house along with the pictures of her other children. As a child, I never wondered why the pictures were still there and my aunt always welcomed questions or conversation about my cousin.

These are things that helped these people. I think that you should do whatever is best for you and whatever makes you and your family happiest. (Tue, 8 Apr 1997)

It has been five years, since our son, died. I still have all the pictures up that we put up shortly after he died. I feel his pictures are a beautiful reminder of a sweet little boy that once lived in our house with us.
I hung three pictures, next to my bed, one for each month he was here and I look at these pictures everyday as I go to bed. They remind me of the 99 days we had with our precious gift. I don't think our pictures are coming down for a long time. (Sun, 13 Apr 1997)

We to have pictures of every bit of our baby's life and death. Many people have thought that they were distasteful but many more have found something comforting about them, most important of which is our daughter. When ever she starts to feel that we do not care for him or love him (what ever it is that goes through a child's mind) she gets out the pictures and looks them over, talks about how mommy and daddy cried. I know that the sheriff's officers thought us really morbid when we asked them to take pictures of us holding his body at the hospital. They first told us that the tubes and IVs had to be left in until the coroner got to do his thing, I told them I did not care I wanted pictures. They then decided that the tubes and stuff could be removed if they reported the whats and wheres of each, then they took some more pictures of us holding him. The best is at the funeral home after we dressed him. My mom scooped him out of my arms and was holding him and a friend of the family grabbed the camera and got a picture of the last time my mom held him.

I have taken pictures at every family funeral that I have been to because it seems to be the only time most of the family gets together. I worry about figuring out who everybody is, if there is a person that I do not know I am sure to get a couple of pictures of these people. I have gotten pictures of great cousins and such that have not been seen in years before, sometimes it was the last time they were at a family function alive.

I have also used these pictures to explain death and funerals to my oldest daughter. My grandmother died 9 months after my baby and 6 months after my grandfather. We did not let her go to his or my grandfather's funerals, she was determined to go to my grandmothers. I pulled out the albums, showed her pictures of my grandmother holding her and pictures of him and my grandfather in their coffins and the funeral to explain to her what would be happening and that she did not have to come if she did not want to. My cousins agreed that they blew it by not bringing their older children that really wanted to come for fear that they would not be able the handle it, if my 3 year old could handle the funeral then their teenagers could have. (Mine was not the only 3 year old there but she had no babysitter for him, she also kept him away from everything.) She was very calm throughout the viewing and funeral until the family was paying their last respects and she understood that it was the last time she was going to see her the the coffin was going to be closed and the that was it.

Well I rambled that on a lot longer then I had planned to, but I really mean to say is that taking pictures after the death is not morbid and can be very helpful and healing to many. If people do not like them then they can have their own feelings and be polite and keep them to themselves. (Sun, 13 Apr 1997)

I am responding to the question about leaving the babies photos out. Right after my son died, I asked the group this same question. I was to the point that looking at his pictures was bringing me more misery than anything else. This was within a few weeks of him dying. I would clutch the pictures at night, then end up crying so hard I would be bent over the toilet.

This group was wonderful in their responses. I took it a day at a time, leaving the photos in place. To this day, I feel it was the absolutely best decision I could have made. He is a member of our family, and always will be. I could not make it through my days now without walking down the stairs in the morning, or into the den at night and see him there, it has become my link to him, (as silly as that sounds). When I first asked the question, I was sooo afraid of 10 years from now, actually forgetting what he looked like. These photos keep him close to me, and I know they will be forever a fixture right where they are--somewhat dusty from one day to the next, but still highly visible.

I used to sit him on the carpeted floor outside the bathroom, if I needed to go, and no one else was in the house to hold him. I have actually sat one of these pictures there. It was the worst for me to look out the door and not see him there. I can't say this one will always remain there, but it sure has become an emotional one for me for now! (Mon, 14 Apr 1997)

Why take them down, it's still your child and will always be that. Our girl died 4 years ago and we still have a vivid picture in our mind and pictures along side our other children, they wouldn't understand if we removed pictures of their sister. (Mon, 14 Apr 1997)

Why should you take the pictures down.? I can think of no reason to do so. We still have our daughters picture hanging on the wall next to those of her older sister and brother and her younger brother. I find it helps the other children talk about how they miss her. And when my younger child is old enough to ask who and why the picture does not change I shall tell him all about his older sister ..we think of her as our guardian angel. Her small photo album is kept with the others she was part of this family she always will be and people have come to understand that sometimes it makes people uncomfortable but for us it was something right to keep her with us always.

Do what makes you happy and comfortable. And when they ask tell them it is what you want..... they can deal with it anyway they like in their home most of them will understand the rest will just not bring it up ...but you have to do what you want and make sure they understand its WHAT YOU WANT.

You could also make a special place that only your family will see an upstairs hallway or room if that is what works for you. (Mon, 14 Apr 1997)

When I was in Eastern Europe/Russia adopting my second son, the facilitator there learned that I had had a previous baby die as an infant. Whether she understood from SIDS or not I will never be sure due to the language barrier. She then pulled out her only picture of her child that had died as an infant (SIDS?). It was a picture of the dead child...her only picture... Apparently pictures of the deceased are quite common there. (Mon, 14 Apr 1997)

We too, took pictures of our baby when he was in his coffin. I had to have a picture of him. He looked so peaceful. I miss him so much. (Mon, 14 Apr 1997)

I've been trained by RTS Bereavement Services (Formerly Resolve Through Sharing), a hospital-based bereavement program for miscarriage/stillbirths/early infant death. One of the components of the program is for the bereavement counselor (usually a nurse) to offer to take photos of the family holding the deceased baby. If the family refuses, the nurse is to take a photo of the baby privately, tell the family that she has the photo if they want it, and then file it with the chart. Very often, families who initially refuse the photo call months later, desperately seeking the photo, as it is the only photo they will ever have of their child. (Mon, 14 Apr 1997)

You know it is sort of funny but I would not leave the house to go to the hospital the morning my baby died without my camera. I did not want the last picture of him to be in that damned casket, and it is but it does not bother me so much with all the rest of the pictures before that. The pictures at the hospital, the dressing, the family viewing at which I held him the whole time about 90 minutes. I think I needed that time to come to accept that he was dead. It seemed that as the cold seeped through the blanket that the realization that he was DEAD seeped into me.

As far as pictures of people and babies after they have passed on it does not seem that uncommon. The first time I heard of taking pictures of the deceased was in an Ann Landers strip, back in 1990. Something about a family who after the funeral of their father, who had died after a long illness, decided that their father looked so peaceful and no longer in pain or suffering that they wished they had taken a picture of him. They commented about this at the funeral home a couple of months later as they were making a payment on the services. The director told them that it was a practice at that facility to take a picture of the deceased after the make-up was done. This director gave them pictures of the father looking peaceful. I thought it was sort of weird at the time, but I took my camera and took one picture of my mom's dad during the viewing in April of 1991. He did look restful and at peace, no longer in the pain that he had been in for several years before his death. I have done so many funeral since then that the funeral home director here locally told me that I should start a business of doing pictures at funerals like they do at weddings. I really do not think so, I skipped doing pictures for a friend of mine's son just two weeks ago. I just could not afford the film and developing or the emotional outlay considering that we are expecting our fourth child in a little over two months. (Mon, 14 Apr 1997)

My son died in 1991 and I still have his picture in my cube at work. The only tough thing to do is to explain why you don't have more recent pictures. (Tue, 15 Apr 1997)

A close friend of ours had a stillborn son many years ago. At the time, he and his wife couldn't deal with the death and felt that it would be easier for them if they just "went on" with life. They did not have a funeral, and let the hospital take care of the burial.

Years later, after they had had other children, they realized that they weren't "getting on" with life and that the pain was much more than they expected or realized. They had never dealt with or accepted the death, they just pushed it down out of the way and tried to live around it. They needed to accept it and grieve for their son and put some closure to it all. They called the hospital where he was born hoping they could help in some way. The hospital went through the baby's files and found a picture that was taken of him by the hospital staff. They also had directions to where the child was buried. They gave these things to my friend and his wife, who were so grateful for this. It helped a lot to have that picture even though it hurt them so much years before. (Tue, 15 Apr 1997)

Take pictures down? No way! Why should you? That baby is a part of your life no matter what. You will always have memories so why not display pictures? People are always displaying pictures of ancestors that are no longer with us. In my opinion, taking the pictures down would be a sign of denial. Who wants to deny that they ever had such a beautiful baby? Not me. We lost our son 8 weeks ago and just found out that we are expecting again. I still won't be taking down the pictures of our son, not ever! He will always be a part of my life and I want people to know that. (Wed, 16 Apr 1997)

We lost our son 4 months ago, and I have pictures of him almost in every room. I get some comfort to look at the pictures. I know I will always have at least one picture of him up forever, because he is part of our family forever. I even carry his picture on my key chain I feel he is always with me then. He was our only child. The video is a little harder to watch, but we have watched it a few times since his death. Thank goodness we taped him a lot, we have 3 hours of video of him, and a really lot of pictures also. Even up to the day before he passed away. We miss him terribly. (Wed, 16 Apr 1997)

My daughter died over 2 and a half years ago and I still have all of her pictures up. I find it comforting to walk by and see her beautiful face. I really think it is up to each individual and how they feel about it, but personally I think there is nothing wrong with leaving the pictures up no matter how long it has been. I now have a son and I put up his pictures right with all of hers. Even though he/she is no longer with you, it does not mean he/she is not still a part of you. As the saying goes "You hold their hand for a little while, but their heart forever." (Fri, 18 Apr 1997)

Of course the decision is solely up to the parents of the baby. My daughter's pictures are still up and always will be, even though she is no longer here, she is still part of the family. (Fri, 18 Apr 1997)

Don't take down those pictures, because they will remind you of the love you had for your baby. (Fri, 18 Apr 1997)

My mom has a nook in her dining room in which she has pictures of her children and grandchildren. All are framed beautifully and none more beautifully than my baby. Every time we get together for a family dinner, there he is, his beautiful eyes sparking, with that big smile on his face. If she took that picture down, it would crush me. As hard as it is to know he will never sit at the dinner table with us, it would be much harder to have his picture put away somewhere, never to be seen as a part of our family again. I will never take down the pictures we have at home and I will never stop talking about him whenever something comes to mind. (Fri, 9 May 1997)

NO!!! You keep your pictures where ever when ever YOU want or feel the need or urge to have them placed. There is NOT and should NOT be a time span. I find myself looking at my son's pictures (the most) around his birthday and is death anniversary or I call it, "His Rebirth." I will even bring them to work and keep them up for that week (regardless what others may think, say, or feel). (7/31/97)

I acutally have 4 pictures of my baby on my desk at work. I have
surrounded myself with her pictures, in the house, at work, in my pocket
book, I think it's my way of keeping her alive.

It is painful to look at the pictures, but it also makes me happy to see
her beautiful face looking at me. Her pics are right on my pc, It's
kind of comforting having her there to look at. I look at her and tell
her how much I love her all day long. (10/97)

We lost our son to SIDS in 1994, 6 weeks after he was born. I've kept all his pictures up and his little shoes out where we can see them. I did that because for us, we felt that putting all the pictures and little keepsakes away would only put us in a sort of limbo as far as the whole grieving process goes. Kind of like the sleeping pills the doctor was going to prescribe me. Eventually I would wake up and reality would sink in. My husband and I felt that putting Jacob's pictures away would be like trying to deny we ever had him. Put your pictures away if you want but in time you will hunting for them so you can hold onto your child's memory. It is hard to look at pictures at first without crying but even years later you will still cry and long for your child. I really don't care if people feel uncomfortable with our son's pictures around my house. He will be apart of our family always and what people feel about how my husband and I cope with our loss is of no importance to me, especially if it is negative. I know we all handle grief in different ways, you do what you feel in your heart is right. Just keep your baby's pictures in a safe place so that when the time comes you can look back at the beautiful child you had and remember with tears of joy and love. (12/11/97)

My husband and I talked a lot, cried a lot and shared our thoughts a lot. My family is very supportive and so are our good friends. If you don't talk about it or try to deny your loss, it festers and only makes things worse. The pictures and video we have is all we had left. We look at his pictures and watch his video a lot. I think the things that got us through the first year were the memories and the joy our son brought to us. (12/11/97)

"I looked at your picture, your presence was felt A calm, a peace, a love so divine,
I thought for a while, on my knees I knelt I prayed, Dear God, Thank you for letting him be mine"

It is up to you if you feel you need to take your pictures down, but there is no rules stating that you must. I myself will always have my sons pictures gracing the walls and shelves of my house, in fact we were planning on having our family pictures done around the same time of our son's death, we haven't had them done yet, but will and will also include a cameo of our baby's picture at the top of the family photo. He is and always will be a part of our family, our lives and our thoughts. (2/16/98)

I feel that the pictures of my daughter should always stay in my home where I can see them daily. My daughter died in 1981 and I cherish the few photos that I have. The most hurtful thing about the death of my daughter is that my mother-in-law took her photos down of my baby and acts as if the baby never existed. She lives in denial. She did the same thing with her brother's pictures when he died at 21. She doesn't talk about people after they die. It helps me to remember my child and the few precious memories that I have of her. (3/12/98)

I don't have experience with SIDS. But, I have had 3 stillborn babies. I don't have any pictures which are appropriate for display, I only have pictures the hospital took after they were born. They were all full term deliveries and I cherish the pictures I do have. I only wish I had some to "show off". I also videotaped their funerals. Yes. People had fits. But, they are my children so I didn't see that it was any of their business. The video and the hospital photos are the ONLY memories that I have and I don't know what I would do without them. I have not even watched the videos. I don't know that I ever will. But, I have them and there is just some comfort with that. When something like this happens everyone wants to voice their opinions. But, few people think before doing so. What ever helps. If you want them yes if they bother you no. Even if you keep them in a scrapbook they are still there. And besides, they are your children. No matter what there are gonna be nice memories. (9/1/98)