Frequently Asked Questions - Parent to Parent

Parents share information and answer frequently asked questions about SIDS:

What advice or suggestions would you give to a parent on attending baby showers?

We post a Question of the Month to the SIDS List Server Discussion Area and on the SIDS Information Web Site. Responses can be emailed to us at sidsnet1-at-sids-network-dot-org or posted to the SIDS List Server Discussion Area. We will then post the responses to this page of the web site. The responses are opinions and no one person is right or wrong. We do not need to include an individual's name or any other identifying factors unless the author requests to be identified in some way or they want their email address attached.

The question for the weeks of May 11 - May 25, 1997 was:

What advice or suggestions would you give to a parent on attending baby showers?

Responses are listed below. Please feel free to add a response by e-mailing sidsnet1-at-sids-network-dot-org. Please include the question, your response, and include in the subject line "FAQ - Parent to Parent."

This October it will be 8 years since my daughter, Meg, died of SIDS. I still have difficulty attending baby showers. I often choose not to go and just send a gift. If it is a close friend we find a quiet way to celebrate together. Each baby gift for a special friend's baby includes a birthday candle in the shape if the number one. That way the memory of my precious daughter is also celebrated on the first birthday of a friend's very special baby. (Mon, 5 May 1997)

It has been just over 5 years since my son died. I still don't do baby showers too well. Sometimes I just buy disposable diapers and give them ahead of the shower. I usually tell them I can't make it to the shower. Your friends at work will understand, whatever your decision is. I usually get the diapers, because I won't have to go through a baby store. I even have a subsequent child. I just have a problem seeing newborn clothing. (Mon, 5 May 1997)

It's been 11 years since our daughter died. I can remember hating to hear when someone was pregnant, because I just knew I would have another baby shower to go to. Another time of my heart breaking. I hated going shopping anywhere NEAR the baby section of stores and specialty baby shops.
Sooooooo,
What I chose to do often was to 'go in' on a gift that someone chose. Sometimes I'd go to the shower, other times I wouldn't. You have to take this grief thing 1 day at a time. If I couldn't handle going, I'd call up and as politely as I was able, explain that I simply wasn't able to attend the shower. If the people knew me well, they understood and sympathsized with me and the situation that I lived in.
Bottom line,
Do what your heart can bear. No more, no less. Sometimes time goes by so slowly, and an old hurt can feel like it just happened. You shouldn't be 'expected' to 'get over it' as far as your heart and feelings of grief go. I'd wholeheartedly encourage you to try to approach the upcoming showers that you'll be invited to with that grain of advice. Do what your heart can bear. Nothing more, nothing less. (Mon, 5 May 1997)

I have heard from many of you how difficult it is to shop in the baby sections. When my daughter turned 2, my friend put money in a card for her because she just couldn't bear to shop for pretty little girl things only 5 months after her own daughter died. So I hope that these suggestions will help somebody.

As a shower gift I think it would be wonderful for you to pay for a diaper service or even a maid service for after the baby is born. Having 4 small children at home, I know just how hard it is to keep up with the laundry and housework especially after the birth of a baby. This would be so helpful for them in the first few weeks.

Another idea is to open a bank account for the child. You can deposit money as a gift and give the bankbook to the mom at the shower. Then on each birthday or special occasion you can add money to the account for the child to use in the future. (Thu, 8 May 1997)

Well, I made it through the first shower for my 3 pregnant co-workers. Luckily it was a small lunch shower with only a dozen or so people. The first few minutes were the worst. I kept thinking, only a year ago I was receiving shower gifts. I was eagerly anticipating my baby's arrival and finishing up his room, organizing his closet, stacking diapers, figuring out what last minute things I needed to buy......

Anway, the shower wasn't so bad. I'll admit, I had trouble buying the gift. The baby due next week is a boy, so there I was in the middle of the boys' racks of clothes fighting back the tears. I have always spent considerable time finding just the right gift for people, but this time it was all I could do to make sure that the shoes I picked up matched the outfit in my other hand. I was in and out of that baby department in less than two minutes I think.

It's over for now......until the baby is born, until the next one of the three co-workers gets ready for his shower, until the next time I have to enter the baby department. It's never really over, is it? I keep waiting for a day to pass that I don't have some kind of crying spell, that I don't spend at least a couple of hours struggling to keep my mind on work, that I don't long to hold my sweet baby in my arms for just one more day. It'll never happen I know -- and I guess I don't really want it to. I always want to remember him as the wonderful child he was. The happy, smiley, cooing, sweetheart that I loved so much... (Fri, 9 May 1997)

I used to enjoy them, but for a long while I couldn't go. I still don't go to very many, and since there are no new babies in my future, they sometimes make me really sad. So I only go if I feel strong enough. (Fri, 9 May 1997)

It is your choice if you feel up to attending a baby shower. I find it easier just to buy something like diapers, where I don't have to go into a baby store with clothing. I have not attended any baby showers in five years since my son died with the exception of one tiny surprise shower that was given to me when my subsequent daughter was born. I have a very hard time watching gifts being open for the babies. Deep down I still hurt for the loss of my son. I usually give a gift but do not attend the baby shower.

It's your decision, only you know how you feel about babies and attending showers. Beware, it could be painful! (18 May 1997)

Take your time, try NOT to push yourself and don't let anyone else push you into going! I know for me it is still difficult. (Going on two and a half years.) Every one of my friends has kids. As a matter of fact, my Godson would be around my son's age. There are times when it is such a blessing to see him and at other times it is too much of a reminder.

Take it day by day. If by chance you do commit and that day arrives, if you don't want to go, DON'T. Don't feel bad, the person you're going to the shower for should understand.

Remember! You also have to consider her feelings to. For her to be having a baby and for you to have lost... It probably isn't as easy to either one of you as you think. (7/31/97)

I had my third son on May 12, 1997. This was my third son in under 5 years, therefore my family chose not to give me a baby shower. (since i had already many boys items) When my son Bradley died on August 26, 1997, I have 5 pregnant girlfriends. I look forward to their baby showers. I may cry but they expect it and so do I. I think its ok to celebrate their joy even though it may remind myself of my loss. (9/14/97)

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