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Heaven's littlest angel...

by Michele

Date: Tue, 22 Feb 2000

Heaven's littlest angel ... Juliette Aaryanna

My baby is dead. Day & night those words flood my thoughts as ... my baby is dead. It is nearly impossible for me to begin to come to terms with that fact ... it has been six months, yet everyday seems like a year. At night I lie in bed & think that I just can't make it through another day of putting on fake smiles & holding back tears... if I didn't have bills to pay & a job to go to I don't think I'd ever get out of bed. People seem to think that because my baby died as a result of a miscarriage & I was only 10 1/2 weeks pregnant that it should be easy for me to "get over" because she was not born but from the first moment when the doctor handed me that piece of paper confirming my pregnancy I knew & loved my baby. Somehow I just knew it was a little girl. We picked the name Juliette... we would call her Jewel for short... She was going to be Daddy's Princess ... now she is Mommy's Angel...

I know that my little girl is up in heaven & that my loved ones that have gone before me are taking good care of her ... but, God, I miss her & now I want to share her story with you.

I moved in with my fiancée in the beginning of July... I was pregnant, but I didn't know it yet ... what I did know was that I felt horrible but I attributed it to the stress of moving & changing jobs (I taught Pre-Kindergarten). Eventually I felt so horrible that I had my fiancée Bobby take me to the emergency room... I was expecting the doctor to come back into the room & tell me that I had a virus or an infection ... instead he handed me a piece of paper that read "PREG.............POSITIVE" I couldn't believe it... I was on the pill! I didn't know how it happened but I was sure that Bobby & I could make it. I told myself then & there that my life would be dedicated to my baby. I was going to be the best mom ever. The ER doctor suggested that I make a OB/GYN appointment as soon as possible... I told him that I would have to go over the weekend but he insisted that it was very important that get there as early as possible the following morning. I immediately knew that something was wrong ... but he assured me that it was just a precautionary measure ... so I went home & the following day Bobby & I headed for our first prenatal visit. The doctor again conformed that I was pregnant but wanted to send me for an ultrasound to be sure that the pregnancy wasn't tubal... so off we headed for the ultra sound ... once the tech had a clear picture of my uterus I again went into a panic ... she could not find the fetus ... she said not to worry... I may not have been as far along as the doctors had estimated ... she suggested that I come back in a few days... 3 ultrasounds later... FINALLY! The tech saw the baby ... she said it was a normal 5 week fetus but she was concerned because the heartbeat seemed a little slow. I corrected her & said... "No, I am almost 9 weeks pregnant" She told me that the doctor would have to look over the pictures & that he could call me in the morning with the results. I was just so relieved that we had seen the heartbeat that I convinced myself that everything was going to be okay. The next day I received a phone call from one of the GYN nurse ... she asked how soon I could be at the office... I wanted to know why ... what was going on ... all she would say is that I had to come in & speak with the doctor...I called Bobby & told him something was wrong & he needed to come home right away & take me to the doctors. When we arrived the nurse escorted us to one of the examining rooms & told us to have a seat & wait for the doctor ... we waited for what seemed like an eternity ... when the doctor finally came in she said that she was concerned because the baby didn't seem to be developing at the proper rate & the heartbeat was very slow ... she suggested that she monitor my HCG levels every 24 hours to see how the pregnancy was progressing ... in the mean while she was setting up an appointment for me to see a Neonatal specialist who could help us.

Bobby's mom took me to see the neonatal specialist. They had me lay down & have an endo-vaginal ultrasound. As soon as the doctor looked at me I knew...
He told me that the baby's heart had stopped. He held my hand & didn't say a word. Bobby's mom held me while I cried. When I got home I called Bobby & told him to come home. I told him the news & we laid in bed & cried all night. The following morning I went in for a D&C. It was over ... but for me it was just the beginning of the pain, the heartache & the emptiness that still consumes me. I wish I could say that this story has a happy ending ...

but it is far from over ... tomorrow I will wake up & I will still hurt ...
maybe someday it will get better like everyone says it will but in the meantime I have to find solace in the thought that my angel, Juliette Aaryanna, is up in heaven with the people I love who have died, bringing them joy & waiting for her Mommy.

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