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Born too soon!

by Amy

Date: Sat, 20 Feb 1999

I have read many of the articles listed, and have been moved by them. I would like to share my story, please excuse me if it is jumbled a bit!

I had gone to my regularly scheduled appointment at 23 wks. very excited only to have this be the most devastating day of my life. Everything had been going so well. I had an amnio done on Dec. 3rd to rule out possible chromosomal problems. The next 10 days were excruciating to wait out. My husband made the call to see if the results were in, I was too afraid to call. The results were the best we could have gotten. The baby was perfect, no problems of any kind, and it really was a girl! I cried for the next hour, out of relief and happiness.

The next 5 wks. were great. We had a wonderful Christmas, and I finally started to relax about the pregnancy. We felt that this was really going to happen, we would really have a beautiful, healthy baby girl! We got the crib, car seat, and many many baby supplies sent by my sister in law on Sunday. On Wednesday, January 6, 1999 we went to my doctors appt.

The Dr. said how it was just a routine appt. and asked if we had any questions or concerns. My husband explained that I had stated at breakfast that the baby wasn't moving as she usually did. I had felt movement, just not the strong kicks and punches that I had been feeling lately. The Dr. looked at me and said "no?" He explained that sometimes babies just get quiet, exactly what I had read in all my baby books. He was not really concerned nor was I. He came over to have a listen. He did not pick anything up on the Doppler, and explained that he was going to get the ultrasound machine. We still were not concerned, although the Dr. may have been. There were other times when he had to get the machine, usually because she was so active that she'd make too much noise to hear well. When he came back it didn't take him 30 seconds to say. " I'm sorry I have to tell you the worse possible news, there is no indication that your baby is alive and it looks as though she has been dead for about 24 hours." I yelled out and grabbed my husband, he was questioning. "What?" and "Are you sure?"

After leaving us alone with our tears the Dr. came back to tell us that I would have to be induced and deliver the baby. Deliver the baby? I cried and said that I did not want to do that. He explained that it was the safest option, and that I would have to do this. He expressed sincere sorrow. He explained that I could go home and go to the hospital in the morning or that I could go tonight. I didn't see the point in going home, its not like I would sleep! We went home to pack a bag and call my mother.

I arrived at the hospital and was given another ultra sound. Oh how we prayed they had made a mistake. But it was confirmed that our baby girl had died. They induced labor and we waited. I watched my contractions on the monitor all night. Although they had given me a sleeping pill, I never slept. My mother and mother in law flew down, and arrived by 1:30 the next day. My best friend was also with us. I don't know what we did all this time but after 19 hours I delivered at 7:15 on Friday evening. My husband had his head in my chest the whole time, praying that God wouldn't take us both.

She was a beautiful baby girl! She had mommies feet, very long legs, and daddies little ears. She weighed 1lb 9oz. which was big for her age. She was far more beautiful than I had imagined! I was very afraid to see my little baby, I kept thinking, it was too soon for her to be born, she wasn't ready yet! It was so very hard for me to push when the Dr. would tell me to push, I didn't want to push my baby out! I didn't want her to leave me!

After asking 2 different doctors if we should have an autopsy performed they both told us the same thing. That the autopsy would only be able to check what the amnio had already checked, and since we knew there was nothing wrong with the baby it would more than likely not give any reasons. So we decided not to have this done. Numerous tests were done on my placenta and blood. The results came back showing everything was normal. Normal! Than how come my baby is dead!!!

This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. There are times when I have just wanted to die, to be with Payton as well as to be rid of this incredible pain! If we did not have the support of our friends and family I don't believe we would have made it.

Trying to make funeral arrangements would have been impossible! We had her cremated by a private company and have her ashes with us. Her funeral service was on Tuesday. A private service with only immediate family. It is hard to accept that our little Payton Elizabeth has left our lives.

I feel for all of you out there who have experienced this incredible loss. I wish you strength and love!!

Amy

If you would like to talk, I would love to hear from you: bmcfaun@aol.com 

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