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It has been 10 days since I have been
stripped of the title of mommy

by Andee

Update: Date: Sun, 10 Mar 2002

Date: Mon, 6 Nov 2000

I would like first to thank everyone who has given me strength to cope with
my baby's death and for the courage to share my own story.

I am 23 years old and married my wonderful husband only last month on October
7th. We went on our honeymoon on the 9th. I knew I was supposed to start my
period somewhere around the 15th. What a drag to be on my period while on my
honeymoon. However, as we arrived to our hotel that night, I began to spot
ever so lightly. I thought how unfair to get my period early. But nothing
happened. No more bleeding. How odd I thought. It didn't really occur to
me that I was pregnant. So the week went on. I was really tired, but I just
passed it off as exhaustion due to the weeks leading up to my wedding. My
brother and sister-in-law lost their first baby, a daughter, three weeks
before my wedding, my grandmother's home burned down with my wedding gown and
bridesmaids dresses 9 days before the wedding, and my grandfather passed away
7 days before my wedding. Plus we were at Disney World and had been doing a
lot of walking. Well, my period never came as scheduled so when we got back
into to town on the 16th, we stopped at the grocery store. My husband wanted
to wait till the next day, but I had an urging suspicion that I might be
pregnant. Sure enough that pink line popped up really fast. We were in
shock. My husband was not as receptive to the idea as I was at first. I
have always known I wanted children and he too, but just not so soon. The
next day I went to the mall and bought a little infant white Polo t-shirt
like my husband always wears. We decided we were going to wait until next
month at Thanksgiving to announce the pregnancy. Fate would make a different
decision. That very night I began spotting again. It was brown and not too
heavy, but I called my doctor. The nurse told me to take it easy and if I
had any cramping or heavier bleeding to go straight to the hospital. That
was very unnerving. I went in the next morning for my first prenatal visit.
I was told I was 4 weeks and 5 days and my due date was June 23rd. I hoped
it would come a day earlier so that he or she would be a Gemini. My doctor
also told me that sometimes bleeding does occur early and it was probably not
a big deal. I took my first blood draw that afternoon. Four days later my
doctor called me and said my hCG was pretty low only 174. He said if I was 5
weeks along then that number should be much higher. I knew he had just
miscalculated my due date. Never the less I went in for another blood draw.
This time it was 284 which was well below what it should have been even if he
had miscalculated the due date. I cried myself to sleep that night and many
nights to come. It was now the 26th, 10 days after I had learned I was going
to be a mommy. I had my last blood draw and had started to bleed much worse.
 It went from brown to bright red. It was a Thursday when he told me the
hCG dropped and though it was mid-morning, it was if it was night. The rain
had not come down that hard in a long time. How appropriate. My surgery was
scheduled for the next morning. It has been 10 days since I have been
stripped of the title of mommy. My little niece now has a playmate up in
Heaven and I long for the day I will see him or her again.

Thank you for allowing me this outlet to share my story. People often don't
realize the impact of losing a child until it happens. It's nice to know
there are people who understand what I'm going through.


Date: Sun, 10 Mar 2002

As I am updating my story, my beautiful daughter, Kaylee, sleeps peacefully next to me.  I became pregnant about three months after I lost my first child to miscarriage.  I didn't know how bad I wanted a child until I lost one.  I prayed every day that this time would be different, that this time I could carry this baby to term.  Kaylee was due the same week in October that I lost my first child.  Bittersweet, but there's always a reason for things happening the way they do.  I was blessed with a problem free pregnancy, not even morning sickness and of course the biggest blessing of all, a healthy, beautiful daughter born October 12th, 2001.  My brother and sister-in-law who lost a child a month before I did are now expecting triplets!  

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