Date: Fri, 19 Mar 1999
I have been pregnant 3 times, and each pregnancy has been unique. Each conception is a blessed miracle, and of course, I love all my babies. I can tell you the most about my "middle" child. He is my three-year-old son. I am so thankful to watch him grow, and be there for him along the way. However, I know precious little about my "oldest" and "youngest" children. I have neither of them with me in this physical world.
I conceived my first baby in September 1994. I really felt the presence of this baby, and it was a warm, loving feeling, like one can experience while rocking a sleeping baby. This pregnancy ended at 7 weeks. I had known about my pregnancy for just two weeks, but in that short time I had bonded with my baby, and had identified myself as a mother...and deeply felt I was one. The loss of my baby was devastating to me. I felt so empty. It was the greatest loneliness of my life to feel like a mother without a child.
To make matters worse, it seemed like on one would sit and listen to me talk about my miscarriage. I didn't have the support I needed, and felt isolated and misunderstood. I was given the message that I should be "over this by now".
I distrusted my body to complete a pregnancy. I blamed myself for the loss of my baby. Fortunately, my next pregnancy went to term, and my ability to carry, birth, and nurse my son helped me to heal myself and trust my body again.
I write this 4 days after my second miscarriage, the loss of my "youngest" baby. As I said before, each pregnancy has been unique. I was twelve weeks along this time. The actual miscarriage has been very different, with more blood, more clots, and more tissue. Although I felt the initial joy of being pregnant, and the physical changes of pregnancy, I searched inside to feel the soul of this baby, but could not connect. I started intermittent spotting at 6 1/2 weeks, and daily light bleeding for two weeks before the actual miscarriage. My midwife, and later a doctor could not find heart tones. I couldn't feel my uterus rise outside of my pelvis like I could with my son. I felt like the little life inside me was slowly leaving. I felt so much anguish, because I knew I would lose this child, but felt (and still feel) guilty for "giving up" on this baby before I new for sure that he/she was gone.
For the last two weeks of my pregnancy, I feared needing a d&c. I feared bleeding too much, and hemorrhaging in the middle of the night in my sleep. I feared general anesthesia, if I needed a d&c, and not waking up to raise the child I have. I am relieved now, because the heavy bleeding started in the middle of the day, my husband woke me up periodically during that night to check on me, and he was there to comfort and ground me during the whole experience. It looks like I will complete this pregnancy on my own, without needing the medical care I didn't want to go and get.
The support of others is much different this time. Already being parents, our friends have changed over the past few years. We have much more support and understanding from them than we did after the loss of our first baby. We have the Internet this time, and I have the ability to write down my grief, and get the support I need here. I am handling the cold, insensitive comments from certain family members better this time, too. I don't look to these individuals for support with this experience, and can let the comments go.
As I said above, writing this all down has been very good for me. I hope it can help whoever reads this, to know that yet another person has been there and is feeling some of the same things you are feeling. Thank you for reading. Blessed Be!
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