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Not again....

by BchLover3

Date: Mon, 16 Aug 1999

My husband and I had decided to start a family how would have thought that there would be so many complications. When I found out that I was pregnant for the 1st time, we were very excited and happy. It never crossed our minds that I would have a miscarriage or any problems. I think I was at 8 weeks when I started to spot, I called the doctor and he said that I should have an ultrasound, in the meantime, my blood test results was also coming into the OB's office. The blood work showed that my hormone level wasn't what it should be at 8 weeks, so the OB scheduled my ultrasound with the Tech. I had never had an ultrasound before so when the screen showed what looked like a hot dog, I thought that was OK. Luckily, my husband was with me during the ultrasound. The Tech. didn't say one word to us, but I found out later that my husband knew that there was a problem with the baby. The Tech said that the OB had to explain it to me so we went in to meet with the OB. The OB had a sad look on his face when we went in, he started with "I'm very sorry", I said what's wrong, and I looked over to my husband who had told the OB that I didn't know, that's when the OB looked surprised and said that my pregnancy was no longer. I was in shock; I couldn't believe what was being said to me.

When I left the OB's office a nurse came up to me a hugged me, I still didn't realize what was happening. When I got to the parking lot that's when I broke down, my husband was there to console me thank goodness. I went home and had to decide whether I wanted to wait for the miscarriage to happen by itself or have a D&C. I decided to go with the D&C, I could imagine waiting for the miscarriage to happen. I finally got over the loss and started to try once more. Four months later, I was pregnant again. I didn't even think that it could happen a 2nd time, but it did. This time I had an ultrasound at 6 weeks and there was nothing in my uterus but the blood work showed that my hormone level was rising. It turned out that this time I had a tubal pregnancy. That's when the baby is still in the tube and didn't make it to the uterus. Well, by this time I was in shock again. I didn't understand why this was happening to me, when we're little girls dreaming about having children we never think about having problems. After my 2nd miscarriage, that's when I found out how common it was, so I had a lot of support from other mothers who had gone through the same thing. My husband and I started trying again a few months later, and to our surprise, I was pregnant again.

This time everything was going good from the very start. The ultrasound showed the baby and my hormone level was equal to the baby's age. Since I was a high-risk pregnancy, my insurance covered a lot of ultrasound, which showed my baby being ok. Everything was going good until the 7 month when I found out that I had gestational diabetes, which I thought to myself of course, it had to be something, but I didn't care I had taken my insulin 3 times a day happily knowing that my baby was OK. On Oct. 12, 1998, I gave birth to a healthy beautiful little girl named, Kiana Lee, who weighed 8 lbs. 6 oz. and 21 inches long. I found out in June 1999 that I was pregnant again.

We were so happy again; everything was going good. I saw the heartbeat of my baby at 8 weeks on the ultrasound so I was pretty relieved that everything was going good. Last Sunday, I started to spot and when I called my OB he said that it was common so I didn't worry because I still didn't think that after having a healthy baby and I could miscarry again. Well, on Tuesday night around midnight I started to get bad cramps along with my spotting so I called my OB and he said that if it's not meant to be than there is nothing that could be done at this time and to come into his office first thing. As the time passed my cramps got more severe and next thing I know I felt a gush coming out of me, which I found out later that it was my water bag, which broke. After that I started to hemorrhage real bad and I called my OB who told me to go to the ER where he would meet me. I saw my baby when it came out of me and all I could think was my poor little baby who I will never be able to hold or kiss, I still thought why did it have to happen again. I am still getting over the loss and I doubt I will ever get over it. I just look at my little girl and think what could have been of my new baby. I know I should be thinking of starting again, but I am afraid of another miscarriage, I don't know if I could go through it again. All I know is that I pray and talk to my 3 babies who couldn't be here, but I know they are in my heart forever and that I love them.

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