To My Baby Boy
Date: Sat, 5 Sep 1998 17:49:18 EDT
Everyone acts like you never existed, even my husband, although I know this pained him also. They go on like nothing ever happened. You would think I just had a wart removed, not a baby. You were my baby. It isn't fair. I have to go around pretending I am happy and act as if I am over this. But I am so depressed I can hardly face the days anymore. I try to cry only when no one else is around. I can hardly stand to have anyone hug or touch me. I wish I could just hide indoors and never have to face anyone, but I can't. So I have to go on pushing my sadness and grieve deep inside and go around trying to be happy so as not to let anyone know how I really feel. I am just thankful I didn't have to make the decision to end your life. We had to face that horrible decision at first because of information received from the Doctor. But nature was kind and took you gently on her own. Not that dying before you are born is natural or kind. I so looked forward to having you, holding you and kissing you. I tell everyone that Kayli, my first child, makes it all better or easier. I love Kayli more then life itself, but it doesn't make losing you any easier at all.
My faith in God is very weak right now. I have tried so hard to have faith and believe. But I feel right now that God doesn't care what happens to me. I still believe in him, I just don't believe he cares for me.
I feel I have no one to talk to about this, not that I would anyway. I am the kind to keep things to myself. I keep thinking how far along I would be right now, and how much closer to your due date of December 20, 1998 I am. I want so much to try again and hope that I will have a healthy baby. But I am also frightened to go through this again. I don't think I could ever go through another pregnancy without worries the whole way through. I want another baby so badly. I want Kayli to have a brother or a sister, it doesn't matter. I have to face the possibility that I may never have another baby. But I will keep trying till I can't try anymore or until I have completely lost my mind.
I feel so alone in this. Will, my husband, I feel is so unobservant in knowing why I have mood swings or why I am depressed. It makes me angry that he is so dense and has to wonder why I am acting or feeling the way I am. Does he think I can go through four months of pregnancy, bonding with my child and then to have him taken from me and I can just go on with my life like nothing ever happened? Should we have named this baby to acknowledge that it was here even for only a short time? Even though this baby was so little and new when he died I still had and have a great love for him. I wonder if God takes a baby this small and will resurrect him to go to heaven. How young is to young for God?
My heart is breaking and I can't seem to stop crying long enough for it to start mending. Every time it begins to mend, I rip it open again and start bleeding all over again. I felt your life inside of me. You were my baby boy for such a short time, but you were mine!!!! I love you!!
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