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Keaton Chrisopher Robert Beeson

by Lisa Beeson

Tue, 29 Apr 1997

On March 12, 1997 my husband and I had our first child; our first son. Our baby, Keaton Chrisopher Robert Beeson, was 6 lbs. 11 oz. and 20 in. long. He was perfect. He was beautiful. He was peaceful looking. He was silent. He was still. At 39 and a half weeks our son, K. C., was stillborn.

We never imagined that our pregnancy would end this way. This was never an option for us. As we have been dealing with our grief I have found that I pass through different stages everyday, or various stages within one day. I never know what to expect or how I will feel or how something will affect me. I am simply a victim of my emotions right now.

I have been keeping a journal and here is one of the entries that I wrote that I thought might allow others to see how I am feeling. Also, maybe it will give some people the knowledge that they are not alone in their grief and that their feelings are NORMAL!!!

One week and two days:

I snapped at my mom for asking what movie we want to see tonight. I could tell she was surprised that I reacted to strongly to her. I'm just angry. Or, is it irritated? I think I am sick of being asked what I want. Everyone is trying to be so nice to Bobby and I. They want all of our needs met. They want to make us happy. Underneath it all, they want to take away the pain. I don't care what we do. I am simply going through the motions right now anyway. I am not really enjoying anything and nothing that we do is going to change how I am feeling. What do I want? I want my life back the way it was. I want my son. I want all that I envisioned would be to be happening. I want Bobby and I to be rejoicing in the birth of K. C. I want the pain to end. I want to cry.

I am sick of people asking me how I am doing. I DON'T KNOW HOW I AM DOING!!! How am I supposed to "be doing?" I guess I am fine, but I know I am not fine in the way that I used to be fine. I am sad, but I am not going to break down crying if you talk to me. Actually, I might start crying as I talk to you but it is not because of something you have said to me or because you have chosen to talk about K. C.. If you choose not to talk about K. C. to me it is worse than if you bring him up in conversation. If we don't talk about it we both know that we are simply avoiding the conversation. Asking me questions or getting me to talk about what happened does not make me sad. I am always sad. I always will be a little sad, for a while. Maybe even longer. I don't know. I don't know how I am supposed to be feeling. I am just as confused about this entire process as you are. Just because it happened to me does not mean that I suddenly received some kind of divine intervention that taught me how to deal with these kinds of things. I am learning about the entire process just as you are. I hate this.

It has now been seven weeks since K. C. was born. I do notice a change in that I feel I am doing better (whatever that means). However, I still have days where it seems as though this all just happened. Only time will tell how this story will end. For now, I take one day at a time and try not to expect much from myself. I miss K. C. dearly and will always have that hole in my heart. However, as time continues that hole will no longer be the center of my life nor will it occupy such a large area. Other things will surround that hole and fill in the other portions of my life. Other children will bring me joy. Other events will bring me happiness. But everyday I will be sad because K. C. is not with me.

In hope and love and peace -
Lisa

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