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It Still Hurts

by Kerri Benda

Date: Mon, 8 Nov 1999

I really don't know what I am doing right now. I lost my first baby after four months of pregnancy and thought I was going to die. At this moment I am miscarrying six years later. I never thought it would be this hard the second time around, but it is.

The first time I carried the baby for an extra month before we knew what had happened. I had a DNC and never saw anything, but this time the natural process is happening and every time I use the bathroom I see tissue from what was my baby and it kills me. The doctors say it is normal though.

I have a beautiful one year old daughter who we adopted and I keep telling myself I have her, but it doesn't work. Even though she is my life it still hurts. I feel I should have buried my first and if I could the second I would. Is this crazy? I don't know.

Thank you for letting me write this because it really is seeming to help.
KB

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