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Overseas angel lost

by Edna Bennett

Date: Sat, 4 Nov 2000

I finally go the courage to write my story after listening to the other stories. My name is Edna Bennett and I live overseas in Okinawa , Japan (my husband is in the Air Force ) We've been married 2 1/2 years and became pregnant in October 1999. We were so happy , it was going to be our first baby. I had a dream that I had a miscarriage and it scared me. Well 2 weeks later the stupid dream came true. I started bleeding Dec. 29, 1999. We spend the New Year 2000 in an awful way, instead of ringing in the new year happy, we were going through hell. I had my miscarriage at home (Jan 3 ) and saw my baby as a piece of mass/tissue on the toilet paper . I held it in my hand and yelled as my husband came into the bathroom with me . I was so devastated and angry but mostly scared. We went to the hospital again ( being there 2 already to check my cervix and my HCG levels which were dropping). I was finally admitted to the hospital to stay due to so much blood that I lost and the cramps coming every 4-6 minutes ( which then I learned I was having contractions )I was on the floor on a bedpan with my husband holding me up.I was on IV drips and all sorts of pain killers, my cervix never opened but my baby was leaving me and I couldn't do nothing to stop the baby. The day I was being discharged from the hospital I started to feel cramping feelings again, well come to find out I still had some of my placenta inside. I went into OR for an emergency D & C. I had such a traumatic miscarriage ( it was 5 days duration of my miscarriage). When I finally left the hospital, the physical pain was over but for months till the present time I still struggle with anger, hate, depression. I really had a big downfall on my due date Aug 3 rd. I shut the whole world around me. I hated all my friends who were pregnant and I stopped going to church because I also hated and felt hurt to see the moms with their kids. I am doing a little better and we are trying again but I feel like a label is placed across my chest " M " for miscarriage. I feel my baby was a boy and hope to have one soon. Every month I get so obsessed with my ovulation sticks and cry at the sight of my period when it comes. I feel like a failure! I have so many issues to work out as far as my emotional/ spiritual status. My baby boy will not be forgotten, I made a baby box with all the hospital papers, EPT test, and the cards and flowers that were given to me at my baby's loss. Someday I will have a baby and I am sure next time you will have one too and we ALL will be jumping for joy and shouting to the world HERE IS MY BABY!! Bless all my new friends on this site and good luck. If you want to talk to me here is my e mail : jebenn@kda.attmil.ne.jp.  This is my story I gave you the short version, thank you for reading my story, God Bless You

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