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My Little One

by C & K Bernazzoli

Date: Wed, 22 Sep 1999

Hello. I am very happy about finding this web site. I am officially seven weeks pregnant and everything appeared to be going perfectly until Sunday night. I was lying on the couch reading the daily update from my Pregnancy Journal on how our little one was growing into a beautiful baby, when a weird pain went across my abdomen. I knew something was wrong. I got out the many pregnancy books I had already started to read and searched frantically for the answer. I told my husband that I knew something was going to happen. Whether it was a mother's intuition or not, the next morning at work I began to spot. The second I saw the pink tinged blood on the toilet paper I began to cry. I then called my OB/GYN, who I was officially scheduled to see a week later, and told him of the occurrence. I sat patiently at the desk (I am a nurse so of course I only thought the worst at this point) waiting for the return call from the office. It seemed like hours, but in reality was only minutes for the return call. I then went for the ultrasound. This showed that the baby was closer to 5 1/2 weeks old compared to the 7 weeks that I thought I was, but a "well defined yolk sack appeared". This basically gave me no assurance. I was sure a miscarriage would follow.

I called frantically to the doctor's office for a beta test, as I stood in disbelief that this was actually happening to me. The girl, who took her vitamins, ate all the right foods, and whose life revolved around this baby for the last month. I then woke up yesterday morning to an increase in vaginal bleeding. Scared to death I called the doctor again. I sat in the office crying at every expecting mother that appeared and then of course the doctor was also pregnant. My emotions were out of control. I began crying at every question she asked me. After the examination, she stated that my cervix looked good, however, I was classified as an impending miscarriage, and if it happens there is nothing we could do about it. She scheduled my next appointment in two days for a repeat blood test and exam and told me to relax. Relaxation was the last thing on my mind of course!

I called my mother and mother-in-law a million times..asking questions about any new feelings I had. It then happened at 8pm that night. I had the most horrible cramps that I have ever felt before. I just laid on the couch in pain, wondering why this had to happen to me. I then passed a very large blood clot. At this point, I knew what had happened. My husband held me and tried to comfort me but it seemed that my heart was breaking in two, like a piece of myself was dying. It was the most awful experience I have ever had. I contacted my doctor this morning; I still have to go see him on tomorrow. But I already know what he will say. I never knew that a mother-child bond was so strong. But I knew all along what was happening, before any of the fancy tests diagnosed me and I will never forget my little one. They say the Lord never gives one more than she can handle, but sometimes it sure makes you wonder.....

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