Date: Mon, 05 May 97
My story is a bit strange. I'm not sure that my story belongs
here. I've been told by many people that I have no reason to
grieve. Yet, as I read these stories I can't help but have
waves of various emotions overcome me. You see my loss is asleep
in the next room. I thank God for him everyday. Let me explain.
My husband and I are high school sweethearts. ( so he's been
there through it all) Shortly after meeting him I began having
severe bouts with abdominal cramps.After years of dealing with
it by taking pain killers we opted for surgery to find the cause.
We were not prepared. I was born with only a partial ovary and
tube on the left side. The remaining pieces were swallowed by
a hernia that I developed as an infant. In their place sits
my kidney,(this is important.) My right tube is closed by tissue.
Another surgery was performed to correct these problems. The
infertility specialist told my husband that if we were fortunate
enough to conceive, I would never carry to term because my
uterus is too small.
Well, we prepared ourselves to be a childless couple. Six months
after the wedding the stick was definitely blue. Wow! How
did this happen? I cried a lot. I wasn't ready for this. Hadn't
I just planned my life and become emotionally okay with it?
My husband had just started a new job and had to leave often.
I couldn't do this alone. I didn't want to be pregnant.
Thinking back maybe I was just really scared.
Six weeks pregnant I started cramping. I wanted an ultrasound
just in cause it was tubal I didn't want to endanger my only
partially healthy tube. It was tubal. I was rushed into
surgery within the hour. My husband and his father were rushed
in from out of state. I was totally alone at hospital, but the
nurses were great. I awoke with more guilt than one could
imagine. I had somehow brought this on myself. If only I
hadn't cried so much. This was all my fault. My husband had
still not made it in, how was I going to explain this to him?
I was given morphine. Two doses an hour. More if I pressed
this button, if I felt I needed it. I for some reason refused
to take more. Well, after this I thought that I was losing my
mind. I started dreaming that I was pregnant. VERY bizarre
dreams. Upon coming home the dreams did not stop.
I had to go to the doctor a week later to have the staples
removed. He advised that I have a blood test. The nurse asked
if the blood test was to find out how far along I was. I had
to explain that I was just being tested to check levels because
I just had surgery for an ectopic pregnancy.
A few hours later I got a phone call from the doctor. He wanted
me to go to the hospital to have an ultrasound. He thought that
I was still pregnant. Okay after I pick my jaw up off the floor
and wake my husband up from his nap (he thought he was dreaming),
we left for our whirlwind of events.
We knew that there was a possibility that the embryo had slipped
into my uterus, because the doctor told us that he thought he
had only removed blood tissue. He did not feel that there was
any fetal tissue included in this. When the surgery was
performed I had already started bleeding internally. Why we
don't know. But you see my life was spared because of this
Once on the table for the ultrasound the tech proceeds to tell
us "There's the baby!" We were really sad. We thought that I
would then be admitted for a D&C. Except she continued,"And
there's the heartbeat!" My husband sank to the floor. I
screamed like I was Dr. Frankenstien. "It's ALIVE?" Indeed our
baby was alive. The doctor said with a happy heartbeat. You
should have seen the doctors sweat.
Aside from feeling like a freak, (every Dr., nurse, tech, ad, etc.,
knew who I was. and no one believed us.) the pregnancy was going
fine. Not much to do to jeopardize anything when you have to
rest 6 wks from surgery. We found out that the radiologist
thought that my kidney was my uterus and my uterus was my tube.
At least that was one of the best explanations (one of many) that
we got from the staff. I know, I know, isn't that what they pay
him the big bucks for? He's supposed to be able to tell the
Month 5. Normal ultrasound to measure everything. What a ham!!
Tech tells us that our due date is Jan 1, 1997 and not Nov. 28,
1996. But this varies so don't worry. Go with the original
date. OK. Moving along Month 6, Month 7. the only problem
I got the flu. Twice. I'm gaining weight, but not showing.
As a matter of fact I still look exactly like I did when I was
8 months. We figured it was because my uterus was small. Okay
we were going to have a small baby.
Oct 15,1996 it all goes wrong. I'm joking with my husband and
telling him that tonight is the night. I refuse to take anymore,
and was giving up. Little did I know. I awoke in the night
in tremendous pain. My back was going to explode. I managed
to last for 4 hrs in and out of sleep. At 5 in the morning the
doctor said to go to the hospital. I had a kink in a tube from
my kidney. NOT FUN!!!! I was to stay on my left side with my
head down and feet elevated. I felt like a bat. However, this
was the least of my worries.
Upon doing another ultrasound, the tech told us that the baby
weighed just under 2 lbs. How can that be I only have 7 weeks
left. He's supposed to be at least doubled that. In come
the doctors and specialists, about seven. More ultrasounds.
Even an amnio. Well, come to find out he actually weighed a
pound more. Damn radiology dept. And it gets better.
I should have just lived at the hospital because I was there
twice a week. In total I think that I had 6 biophysical profiles
done. One he would grow and the next he would shrink. WHAT?!?!
My doctor said that as long as it was in the general area of
what they where looking for everything was fine. As long as we
got a score of 7 out of 10 it was good. Well the day I got the
6, I had had enough. I stormed into the office and had a hissy
fit because we actually saw the tech measure the baby larger than
he really was. I demanded a second opinion. I got one the
We saw the perinatalogist. In the first two minutes of the
bio-profile he said that I would have to deliver the baby within
the next 24 hrs. Wait, didn't just yesterday that *&#@! just
say that everything was okay. If it were up to her I would
have gone home with my appointment for the next week.
Let me tell you the things that were wrong. Lack of fetal
movement, (I barely felt him move the whole pregnancy) the
cord was wrapped around his neck, his head was hyper-extended,
(his nose was stuck on one of my ribs) and blood flow in the
cord was backing up. Later test showed that the cord and
placenta had so many blood clots that he just couldn't grow.
He wasn't getting enough nutrition. Had I waited to have another
ultrasound the next week there would not have been a heartbeat.
He would have died.
On Nov. 6 1996 (4 wks early) our son was born by c-section. He
was born not breathing. After a few minutes of pumping him with
an airbag he began to scream. It was the longest few minutes of
my life. Thank goodness for the steroids that were given to me
for his lungs or he definitely wouldn't be here. He was
perfectly healthy although very small. 3lbs 15oz. 17 1/2 in.
He stayed in the hospital a few weeks. I didn't get to see
him until the next day. He was hooked up to an iv. Which
surprisingly didn't bother me. He had to be feed through a tube,
which I watched. My husband had to leave. Every four hrs I
called nursery to check billy counts and glucose sticks and of
course body temp. I tried to distance myself just in case and
still be involved. I cried only once and it was about a week
later. I just sort of broke open and couldn't stop. I was
however very irritated.I snapped at everyone.
My problem? I had just had the miracle baby of the day. I
should be shouting from the roof tops. Well, you see I feel a
little ripped off. I never really felt him move, because he
didn't. I didn't go through labor. I just went to the hospital,
they cut me open and I had a baby. I surely didn't feel that
he was mine. The first time that I saw him (THE NEXT DAY) I
couldn't actually comprehend that he was mine. Now, even 6
months later, I still cry because I feel that I will never know
the miraculous wonder of pregnancy and childbirth. My husband
says that many women would kill to not go through labor and
birth. While this is true how many would give up feeling their
babies kick and watching their tummies roll? I would like to
here from someone who might be dealing with similar emotions.
I do know that I truly have a miracle. I cherish him everyday.
His name is Blaize Gabriel. I hope that maybe this story will
give someone hope that Miracle can happen.
Please let me know if you get this I have been having problems
with e-mail. I'm not even sure that I belong here. But I did
lose my baby (almost twice) only I got him back. This really
is a true story.