My Story

I thought I would contribute this article for the pregnancy & infant loss page

bmcbride@Direct.CA

Well I'll start by saying that I have 2 children.

In 1983 my first daughter was born via c-section after a 44hr labor. In 1989 at 26 & 1/2 weeks I lost my second pregnancy (the cord was in a true knot). That was a tough thing to go through. I started spotting & went to the doctor who told me to go home & rest. The next day I was to have an ultra sound. That night I awoke with major bleeding & went to the hospital. The baby was no longer alive & I had to go through natural labor. It was another girl. The grieving was very overwhelming for the first 2 weeks & as time went on it became a little easier. The doctors told me that for this to happen again it would be like winning the lottery twice. In 1990 I became pregnant again & via c-section, gave birth to a beautiful little girl that I consider to be my miracle child. She had two knots in her cord, but they were not true knots.

I have always wanted three children. I thought that losing the 2nd pregnancy was a once in a life time thing & that after having my 2nd child that everything would be fine if I went ahead & had another child. I was wrong.

In January of 95 I became pregnant again. Everything seemed to be going well & I felt great. I am 35 years old now & opted to go for an amnio. I was 16 & 1/2 weeks along. While the doctors were preparing for the amnio with the ultrasound, I was informed that the baby was no longer alive. "Major shocker". We proceeded with the amnio & some blood test, as we hoped we would get some answers as to the cause of the demise. They sent me home afterwards & I was to return 3 days later to do a D & C under anesthesia in the hospital. Afterwards, I had lots of bleeding. For the first two months there were more days of bleeding than not & it continued into the 3rd month. That was scary, I thought something was wrong. Everywhere I looked, it stated 2 to 3 days.

After I lost my 2nd pregnancy I use to say that if it ever happened again it would just break me. It got pretty close. I do have two children & you would think that I wouldn't feel so bad, but I guess knowing what I've lost might make it harder. This latest pregnancy that I've lost seems to be harder to deal with than the previous pregnancy that I lost. I guess that's because I don't know why it happened. The amnio came back & they told us everything was fine. The amnio results may have been good, but obviously something went wrong. The results also told us that it was a little boy. I feel that somehow maybe I'm to blame. I know I shouldn't think that way, but I do. I am forever looking for an answer. One that I just cannot seem to find. Why did it happen?

I don't see myself as baby making material. 4 pregnancies with 2 live births ending in c-sections & yet I'd love to have another child. The big problem is that now I have so much fear. I sometimes suffer from anxiety periodically since I've been 20 years old & for the first 6 months since I lost the baby, I just couldn't seem to shake it. I have never had it so bad. I worried all the time. I worried about the health of my children. I worried about my own health. This is all probably connected to the loss of the previous pregnancy. In any case I didn't like it. My doctor thought of putting me on antidepressants. I opted to take, on occasion, a mild sedative. I don't think antidepressants were for me. I didn't think I was depressed. I was just scared, therefor very prone to my anxiety attacks.

Well guess what? I'm pregnant again. Whether or not I can carry this one all the way though, I do not think about. I'm just glad that I opted to try again, instead of always asking myself "what if" I tried again? At least I'm trying. I must admit though, I am very, very scared. I don't even want to go for an ultra sound. Well I guess I must take it day by day & remind myself not to dream.

I welcome anyone with similar experiences to e-mail me at bmcbride@Direct.CA

Thanks for listening.