Date: Sun, 6 Dec 1998
I'm the grandmother of a SIDS baby. I lost my sweet precious angel on May 3rd of 1998, a date that is burned in my mind forever. To lose my granddaughter ripped a hole in my heart and soul that will never be repaired. Almost as hard was to have to watch as my son died inside and blamed himself (he was the one that found her) I felt so helpless. I thought I would go insane from the pain, one day I sat down and wrote down thoughts which has really helped. I wanted to share them with others who have experienced the same loss. Sometimes people forget how hard it hits a grandparent.
I don't understand death, I don't understand it at all. But mostly I don't understand why it had to come to someone so small. So sweet, so precious, so innocence to all. People say your happy and in a better place than this but that doesn't help when I think of all I'll miss. I'll never get to hold you or kiss your sweet cheek I'll never get to see you walk or bandage ouches on your knees. There's an emptiness inside me that time will never full an emptiness so deep a part of me was killed. I thought I would go before you and be there to greet all my precious angels but now you walk upon those streets, you there one day I'll meet. I hurt so bad inside me and fear that I can never be as close and loving ever again, I have a fear deep inside me that this could happen again. I couldn't take the hurt, I couldn't take the pain. Know I'd go insane. They say that time will ease the pain, the hurt will ease away but I think that you only learn to cope a bit more each day cause death is the only thing that can take this pain away.
They said that God has his reasons that he needed you more but how could that be, more than your sisters, Daddy, your Momma, more than your Pappa or me. You will always be my angel, my love eternally. I know that we were lucky because we had a living angel even if for a short time it was to be. I feel that even will the pain we had to endure we are better people for the angel we had so close to us. Touched by an Angel is a saying these days but I know that I was that warm August day when you came into our lives and even though your so far away you will always be with us to help, to comfort, to guide our days. I'm jealous of the angels because our baby they can hold but it's comforting to know that you are being loved and never alone.
I see you in your sisters and really in your Dad. Your Dad oh the hurt that he has. I know no words, no comfort can help him it's something he has to deal with himself. I see you in the clouds, in stars in a clear night sky I know that there's a special star that was born that terrible night. A star that shining down on us that's a little brighter than the rest it help to know this but just a little at its best. I hear your laughter in the birds outside but most of all in the soft sweet sound of the wind chime by the windowsill. The wind it blows so gently and music plays so soft I think about the many times you played that little song. A smile comes to my face and peace I fell inside cause I know that you are with me always by my side. I feel the wind blow on my face and know that it's a soft sweet kiss from my angel in that heavenly place. Of all the things I have to do thought out the time I have left I know that I can handle them because the worst was when you left.
I love you my sweetness the sunshine of my life you continue to touch my soul and heart. AS long as I can hear the music in my heart I know that you are never really gone.
For Grayson Sinclaire Brown 8/15/97 to 5/3/98
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