No child - 3 miscarriages

by Chandra R Carter

Date: Wed, 29 Nov 2000

Hello I have read many articles on this page, and I find it therapeutic for me because there are people who know what I am going through. I do not feel that anyone in my family knows how I feel because every that has tried to have a child has at least one even though some had miscarriages.
It is hard for me to hang with my friends because they all have children and they brag on them so. I try to brag on my stepdaughter who does not call me mom, but by my first name. Everyone just try to humor me to make me feel like I belong in the realm of motherhood. I thank God for her, but she will never love me like she loves her real mother or her dad.

It makes me sad because I have had 3 miscarriages in a row and no - child. I found out the first time that I pregnant in February of this year. I was so excited that I told everyone as soon as I got it confirmed with a doctor through a blood test. I was about 7 weeks. After one week of finding out I was pregnant, I started spotting. I thought that I was having a period since so many women in my family has had early pregnancy bleeding, and had successful pregnancies. So I did not worry. However, I began to cramp badly and I began to bleed heavier so I went to the ER.
The doctor on call checked my hormone levels and told me that they were so low that I was not considered pregnant. I went to my OB-GYN for a check up, and he told me that I had a chemical pregnancy, which meant that I had all the symptoms, but no baby. My husband and I was devastated, we wanted to start again as soon as possible.

So we did with the doctors ok. After a month I was pregnant again. I went in for my first appointment and the doctor said everything was fine.
In the mean time, my husband wanted custody of his two daughters whom I never met. I was filled with the anxiety of having children live with me that I did not know plus I promised my niece that she could come visit.
Only one of my stepdaughters came to live and my niece came to visit for a month. My sister and my nephew was there also. This all happened the day before the Fourth of July, and it was on this day I started spotting.
I was in the beginning of my ninth week. I went to the ER and had the same doctor. This time, I went through a lot of things I have never had to endure-a colostomy bag, constant blood suturing (because I was bleeding so bad), a sonogram, and a D&C. All during that time, my sister was there for me, and I felt better because I was alone during the last miscarriage, but all the while I was devastated. I blamed myself for being stressed out about the arrival of my stepdaughters.

I has to quickly overcome the loss of another child and try to be a mother to this child that was suddenly brought into my life. This was the hardest thing to deal with because my family (including my husband) and friends wanted me to replace my loss with her. So I put away my grief and tried to be the best mother to her, but on the inside I knew that she could not return the love that a mother so desperately needed from her child. I began to become envious of her and my husband's quality time, all the kisses and hugs he got, and the "I love you, daddy's. I could not get mad at the situation after all I am not her mother. I was reminded everyday by her, her father, and society. I hurt everyday, but I sought comfort in God, and he filled my void.

I wanted to wait a year to start trying again, but my husband wanted to start trying as soon as the bleeding stopped. So we did and 3 months later I was pregnant again. I was delighted because my doctor told me that it would be rare that I would have another miscarriage, so I was hopeful. By now my stepdaughter and I had gotten a little closer, but we still had a long way to go before she sees me as a mother. I went to my doctors office as soon as I found out. I was only 3 weeks at this time, and I had not missed my period yet. He took blood tests and told me that my hormones were fine, but I did not tell anyone until a week before Thanksgiving. I only told my sister, and my church. My husband told his closest friend. I thought this would lessen the pain for me if I did miscarry because I would not have to call my family and friends and tell them the bad news. It did not lessen the pain when I did start to miscarry in my 7th week. It just meant that I had less people to call.

Once again I turned to the Lord for my strength, because I about to lose it. I would like to get answers from Him as to why a successful woman as myself who has lots of love to give and lots to offer cannot be successful at producing a child. Once again I blame myself because I was under stress because I was trying to finish my master's thesis in electrical engineering and completing some projects at work by Thanksgiving, and I stayed on my feet all night cooking Thanksgiving dinner. That was the week I miscarried. I was embarrassed when my stepdaughter said "You lost another baby?"

I want to wait 6 months or more before I try again, but my husband wants this baby now because he is 11 years older than I am, and he does not want to be in his forties trying to care for a baby. I hope that he will understand and be supportive in my decision to wait because my body and mind needs to rest after being pregnant 3 times in a year with no baby.