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Angels in Heaven

by Marisa Chilton

Update: Wed, 24 Sep 2003

Date: Thu, 3 Feb 2000

When I found this site I couldn't believe it. We are not alone, unfortunately many others are or have grieved like us.

Here is my story, hope it can bring some comfort to myself and others.
My husband and I have been married almost 8 years. We have tried unsuccessfully to have children. When we decided to seek help, (fertility clinic) we found out that my tubes were blocked, I needed to undergo laproscopic surgery to repair them. It made them better, but not 100%. This was done 4 years ago.

Nothing happened until July 1998, I got pregnant. We were so excited, but we knew we had to be careful, emotionally. Because of my previous condition, I was at a higher risk for ectopic pregnancies. When we had the ultrasound done, our worst fear became reality. The pregnancy was not in the uterus. My husband and I were devastated. We were finally pregnant, yet we had to have it destroyed. I had a hard time dealing with the situation, without my husband's support, I don't know what I would have done. Slowly but surely, he made me realize that we can get pregnant, we just needed "more practice". He made me laugh, and with time we got past it.

A year went by, and when nothing seemed to be happening, we decided to start infertility proceedings. We met with our doctor, got all the details. At this time there was a new procedure called I.V.M.(invitromaturation). The eggs are matured outside the woman, fertilized, and put back into the uterus. Because the woman doesn't need to take all those injections, the cost is much less. This was what we were interested in. We needed to wait for my next menstrual cycle, and schedule certain tests on certain days. We waited and waited, no "Aunt Jane". We couldn't believe it, could I be pregnant?. We rushed to the pharmacy, purchased a pregnancy test, and yes I was. We thought this has to be fate. We didn't really have the money for I.V.M., readily available. We probably would of had to borrow.

Now we didn't need to, we were having a baby. It was the best Christmas present ever. Family and friends were so happy for us. We really thought our bad luck was over, nothing else could go wrong.

We were wrong.

I spotted a little one day (8 - 9 weeks). I contacted the doctor, and was told if there is no pain and the spotting stops, don't worry about it. There was no pain, and the spotting stopped, so I didn't worry. We waited patiently for our first doctor's appointment to arrive, which was at 12 weeks less 2 days. The doctor couldn't hear the heartbeat with her Doppler device, she asked if I put moisturizer on my skin, and I had, and was told this interferes with proper sound. The moisturizer causes static.

My husband was not convinced everything was okay, I on the other was oblivious to what could be wrong. I couldn't imagine something going wrong with this pregnancy. God wouldn't do this to us again.

Even when the doctor asked if I still felt pregnant, and up until that point I had. My breasts were not as sensitive as they had been, but according to the books I read this wasn't abnormal reaching the end of the first trimester.
About one week later, I was spotting, heavier that the first time. I was starting to panic. My doctor scheduled and ultrasound for the next day. What a day that was, we first had to go to the doctor's office to get the ultrasound documentation, then run to the hospital to have the test done. I kept having to answer what I thought was irrelevant info. When was my last period, how far ahead did the doctor say I was, etc...All I wanted to know was, "what the heck is going on". When the ultrasound doctor said "I don't know how to put this", my heart stopped. I couldn't believe my ears. I could feel the pain in my husbands voice as well. This wasn't fair!!! It really was not fair!!!! WHY!!, WHY!!, WHY!!.

I had apparently lost the baby at around 9-10 weeks, a missed miscarriage they called it. We were told to go back to our doctors office, she wanted to see us. At this point I thought she would take care of the proceedings. Crying uncontrollably, my husband and I tried to put ourselves back together again. We had to get past a hospital full of people, walk a couple of blocks outside to our doctors office, and sit in her waiting room. We needed to find control, somehow we did. We met with the doctor. She assured us that it was not our fault, we should not blame ourselves, that these things happen. 30% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. She talked about a few things, I can hardly remember, all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball. I didn't even want to live myself at that point. I wanted to disappear. We had to go back to the hospital for a D&C. And to top it all off we had to wait for the regular scheduled day surgery to be completed. We got to the hospital around 1:30, and I was going under anesthesia around 4:00. I went under crying, I woke up crying and I've been crying ever since. Some days are better than others. I've been home almost a week, I'll be home still for one more week, trying to cope. Two days ago I cried all day uncontrollably, today has been better. This letter is very hard to write, I'm reliving all the emotions all over again. So many things race through my mind like when my due date would have been, what I would be like as a new mommy holding my new baby. I did laundry the other day, folding some maternity tops was unbearable. I don't know how I'll get through this. Just thinking of getting pregnant again scares me. I can't live through anything like this again. It's too hard. I seek comfort in believing that my two little babies made it to heaven somehow, in a way maybe they are lucky to not have to face the hardships of life. I hope to meet them one day in heaven, right now they are with their grandparents and other family members who have made it to heaven. There will always be a place in my heart for them. I love them dearly and hope that they know that.

Thank you for letting me share my story, and thank you for sharing yours,

Yours truly,

Still devastated, M G-C

Update: Wed, 24 Sep 2003

Hello again,
My has time gone by. It seems like ages ago we were so devastated, yet it also seems like yesterday. Since I wrote that article a lot has happened. Later that year, July-2000, I was pregnant again. The pregnancy was ectopic AGAIN, this time I needed surgery. At that point I'm not sure how or what to feel. I was afraid to have any emotion, I wanted the surgery done and over with and I wanted to move on. Maybe my husband and I were becoming "pros" at this, I don't know. But at this point it was much harder on other family members than it was for both of us. Recovery from surgery was 8 weeks long. I never did get my waist back.

Time passed......Then in January of 2002 I missed a period. "Oh No!" was my reaction. I wasn't ready emotionally for another downfall. Secretly, I didn't want to get pregnant again, I was afraid. Yet, we didn't do anything to prevent it either. After the last surgery, the ectopic pregnancy was in my better tube, We both figured we'd never get pregnant again, even though we never actually said so.

So it all starts over again. Yes I was pregnant, now the trials begin. We had to get to our first doctor's appointment. I never thought we'd make it, but we did. Then I didn't expect to hear a baby's heartbeat......yet we did. Could we allow ourselves to FINALLY be happy????. NO, we were not ready. Anything could happen, we had to make it passed the 12 week stage. I told myself that after that I would relax....the 12 week stage came and went, yet I was still not convinced we were going to have a baby. Something had to go wrong, it always did (three times before).

I was 36 years old, my doctor recommended an Amnio. I was scared, things could go wrong, I could spontaneously abort, we could find a genetic disease with our baby, what do we do??? We didn't know. We held our breath and went through the Amnio., I almost ran out of the hospital when the patient ahead of me came out of the examining room devastated and complaining about how painful the procedure was. She scared me!. When it was our turn, we entered the examining room, I made sure the Doctor knew that I lost 3 pregnancies before, so that he'd be extra careful.

Well the procedure was done, painless, it was May-2002 now, in a few weeks wed have the results. All had gone well, we couldn't believe it!!! FINALLY it was looking like being parents for us would be a reality. I had to know, I didn't want any more surprises, God knows we had had enough. Was it a boy or a girl???? I found out, I was overjoyed. I'll keep you in suspense, for now.

Well things were looking up for us. Finally 5 months pregnant, I was able to start relaxing and enjoying this pregnancy. We both did, we now tip-toed on eggshells.

We had one last scare at about 7 months, I bled a little. We went for tests. Placenta previa is what they called it, the placenta was still covering the opening of the uterus. I had to remain off my feet for the duration of the pregnancy. I was monitored carefully from then on. The placenta never really moved out of the way, so I was scheduled for a c-section.

On October 18th, 2002, (the date was chosen by my Doctor, there were only a few days a month that she had an operating room, scheduling) our son, Jonathan Richard Chilton was born at 8:18a.m. This day was also my first nephew's birthday, I was 18 years old when he was born, and he was turning 18 on the day my son was born. Isn't that amazing! Jonathan weighed 3118 grams. The number 18 kept popping up later as well. His Baptism was held May 18th, and his baptism was numbered # 18 in the parishes books. He's our miracle baby and 18 is our miracle number. He's eleven months old now, he crawls, stands, we are sure he'll be walking by his first birthday. His two bottom teeth are out, and earlier this week his two top teeth have emerged. Miracles do happen, he's living proof! I, we actually, never thought this would ever happen for us. We got two big dogs, because we thought we'd never have children. Tia Maria, a lab/retriever mix & Sambouka, a lab/Sheppard/rottweiler mix. Both dogs, especially Sambouka are very protective of their little Jonathan. We didn't know how'd they react, and we were pleasantly surprised by their gentleness and excellent behavior.

Our home is complete, we really feel blessed.

Never lose hope, If there is a will there is a way. It will happen, just believe.

I know that if you are reading this story and you recently lost a child, you are feeling devastated and hurt. The pain is unbearable, and it will be hard for you to believe that it gets better. But you must hang in there, be strong. You need to be strong, your future child needs you to be. Good luck and best wishes to all of you. Thank you for sharing in my pain and my joy.

- M.G. Chilton

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