We will never know this child
by Maria Connor
Date: Tue, 8 Aug 2000
After three unplanned pregnancies that I went through alone, my new husband
and I were finally pregnant after two years of trying. We were so excited, and I
was particularly thrilled to share the joy of pregnancy with my spouse.
Two days ago, I went to the ER after I started spotting. I was going into my
13th week of pregnancy, and although I was concerned, I consoled myself with the
thought that most spontaneous abortions happened well before this point. The ER
physician could find no cause for the bleeding, but my hCG levels came back
severely below where they should have been. The next morning I followed up with
my regular physician. He reported that my hCG levels had dropped even further.
He couldn't pick up any fetal heart tones with the Doppler, so they did an
ultrasound. He confirmed that we had lost our child.
The most difficult pain to deal with is that when the doctor performed the
ultrasound, I could still see our baby. I could see the shape of his head, and
see his spine. It wasn't a spontaneous abortion, it was the death of our child.
Friends and family try to console us with the fact that we can try again, but
they don't understand we will never know this child. Was it a girl or boy? Would
this child have been shy or outgoing? Would this child have had my husband's
love of sports or my passion for reading? We will never know what joy and pride
this child could have brought into our lives, or have the chance to show them
Even though this child wasn't actually born from my body, he or she was born
from the love between me and my husband. So for anyone who reads this, please
take a moment to remember our precious baby.
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