We will never know this child

by Maria Connor

Date: Tue, 8 Aug 2000

After three unplanned pregnancies that I went through alone, my new husband and I were finally pregnant after two years of trying. We were so excited, and I was particularly thrilled to share the joy of pregnancy with my spouse.

Two days ago, I went to the ER after I started spotting. I was going into my 13th week of pregnancy, and although I was concerned, I consoled myself with the thought that most spontaneous abortions happened well before this point. The ER physician could find no cause for the bleeding, but my hCG levels came back severely below where they should have been. The next morning I followed up with my regular physician. He reported that my hCG levels had dropped even further. He couldn't pick up any fetal heart tones with the Doppler, so they did an ultrasound. He confirmed that we had lost our child.

The most difficult pain to deal with is that when the doctor performed the ultrasound, I could still see our baby. I could see the shape of his head, and see his spine. It wasn't a spontaneous abortion, it was the death of our child.

Friends and family try to console us with the fact that we can try again, but they don't understand we will never know this child. Was it a girl or boy? Would this child have been shy or outgoing? Would this child have had my husband's love of sports or my passion for reading? We will never know what joy and pride this child could have brought into our lives, or have the chance to show them this world.

Even though this child wasn't actually born from my body, he or she was born from the love between me and my husband. So for anyone who reads this, please take a moment to remember our precious baby.

Maria