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The Lost Children

by Denise Crawley

Date: Sat, 20 Nov 1999

My name is Denise and I have lost two pregnancies. They occurred approximately 6 months apart at 6 weeks gestation. Here is my story...

My husband and I have been married for 4 years but have been together for 10. We both love children and long to be parents. I am a family physician and Ian is a teacher. The first pregnancy was discovered on December 20, 1998. I can't believe it's been almost a year. We were so thrilled. I couldn't resist the temptation of telling everyone I knew that we were expecting our first child. My husband bought me some pregnancy books and even a gift certificate for maternity clothes. I knew something was wrong on Christmas Eve when I began to have some pain and had a brown discharge.

On December 27 I had severe abdominal pain and an ultrasound confirmed that I had lost the baby. Words cannot begin to describe the emotion you feel at the time you know you won't get to experience the joy of motherhood. I was absolutely, completely devastated. Our families live about 3000 miles away and all of our friends where we live are parents. I felt completely alone.

My second loss occurred in June of this year. This time was different. No pain and no discharge. One evening I spotted a little and I was terrified.
I saw my doctor the next day, had an ultrasound and there was nothing.
Hopes were dashed again.

I still try to put in all in perspective and I think being a physician makes it even more difficult. It hurts every time I get to give someone the news that they are pregnant and refer someone for an abortion. I think when people know what I do for a living they think that somehow it should be easier.

Ian and I have not lost hope. We are looking into adoption now and are determined to have a child one way or the other. I am still trying to piece my life back together after a very difficult year and I can honestly say that it helps to know that other people feel the same way. I think the most beautiful thing I've read was about a man who was telling the story of his wife's miscarriage and saying that only tissue is lost and the soul is still waiting to be born in a child. I'll hold onto that thought.

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