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Not Once, But Twice

by Lisa Dallison

I have just suffered my second loss. My first time on the net was last night in hope of finding information. I ended up reading people's stories on "First Person" that touched my heart. I didn't feel so alone. I, too, would like to share my story and hopefully hear from someone who has gone through something similar.
Thank you.

Date: January 17, 1999

My husband and I had been trying to conceive for quite some time. Finally on March 27, 1998 it was confirmed. We were so excited. We told everyone as the thought of anything bad happening never even entered our minds. This would be my husband's parent's first grandchild. They were sooo excited. The last few days I had been spotting or as I referred to it as "I had brown discharge" (I didn't even know what spotting was). My gyn automatically booked an ultrasound for April 1. It still never dawned on me that something could be wrong. The ultrasound showed I was 5 weeks but could not see anything in the sac. Because my last period was Feb. 6, they thought I should be about 8 weeks. I explained to them that my periods were very irregular. Sometimes I'd go 3 months between periods. They booked another ultrasound for a week later, which revealed still nothing in the sac. This was not suppose to happen to us! Later I found out it was a blighted ovum and was told that "these things happen." The guilt I felt was unbelievable. I felt I had let everyone down including my self and my husband.

In September of '98 we started trying again. I wanted to be pregnant again so bad. On November 8 our dream, once again, came true. I didn't expect to get pregnant so quick and was so scared we couldn't even really get excited. Started spotting a week later and was terrified. An exam revealed my cervix was closed and my doctor told me that many women spot through entire pregnancy - don't worry - my hcg levels were going up. I worried like hell. On November 9 had my second ultrasound which actually showed my baby's heart beating. We were on cloud 9. I can't even explain how happy, (and relieved), we were. My spotting stopped and that made things even more real for us. We had such a wonderful X-mas. We made plans for our child - discussed names, ideas for baby room, etc. Then on January 9 I started spotting again. The next morning my husband took me to the hospital - my cervix was closed - they termed it a "threatened miscarriage". I had 50/50 chance. I went home and just put my legs up and prayed for this child. The next day I had another ultrasound performed which, to my horror and disbelief, showed no heart beat.

I didn't want to believe them - maybe they had made some mistake! I JUST SAW MY BABY'S HEART BEATING FEW WEEKS AGO!! We were devastated. I was told by my doctor to go home, wait a few days and see if you "get rid of it" on my own. I didn't - I started cramping on January 13 and a D&C was performed that day.

I don't know where to turn from here. I want answers that no one seems able to give. I would really welcome hearing from anyone who has had a similar experience. 

Sincerely, Lisa in Canada

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