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I will always long for my babies

by Sue Daupert

Date: Sat, 14 Aug 1999

I see so many new losses today on this page. I am so sorry to say it, but the pain never goes away. I lost Annie at 6 weeks gestation (11 weeks of carrying her) and Jason at 3 weeks gestation due to a tubal pregnancy, over 5 years ago. My arms are as empty today as they were then, and my grief is still as vivid. I have a 9 year old son, Josh, who keeps me surviving. But I will always long for my babies. When his friends ask, Josh acknowledges that he has a brother and a sister, but they died. I talk about my babies (my husband and I did not see the losses the same, and divorced a year ago because we could not survive the pain) to anyone who will listen, and I even envy mothers who have severely handicapped children. They at least have someone to hold. I wanted my babies with all my heart. I have had several very vivid dreams of them, where I believe they spoke to me. Annie, as a two-year-old spitting image of her brother Josh, threw her arms around my neck and crowed, "I wuv you Mommy!" My grandmother, whom I lost before Josh was born in 1990, has appeared to me, holding both my babies. Her chuckle, which I miss the most about her, sounded to me and she said, "I'm keeping them safe. They're here waiting for you when you come to us." I believe in God, and I know that I will see my babies someday, but for now I miss them so very much and my heart hurts a great deal and my arms feel very empty.

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