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by Davey's Mom

Date: Fri, 2 Feb 2001

I found out I was pregnant March 28,2000.  I was so excited I came running down the hall of the hosptial were I work to share it with my coworkers.  I told my husband and he was excited to.  We had just started trying and already I was pregnant!
I immediately began to plan the nursery and the crib I wanted to go in it.  I searched all over South carolina and North Carolina to find the perfect furniture for the nursery.  My brother's girlfriend painted the walls of the nursery with Eeyore sleeping in a cloud on one wall and all the Pooh characters in a train on another wall.  She painted the border with all the pooh characters as well.  My mom made the curtains and my dad made shelves.  I bought at least one outfit everywhere I went.
Everything was going perfect in my pregnancy.  Sure I had morning sickness to begin with but the doctor said everything was fine.  I had only had one ultrasound by the time I was 30 weeks.  I asked for another and he said I really didn't need one but they would do another one.  That ultrasound was perfect as well.
I had two baby showers back to back.  One from family and one from friends.  I got all sorts of neat baby stuff.  I was so excited.  Only thing was I was still working.
November 15, 2000 I went for my doctor appointment.  I had my third and final ultrasound.  I was 38.4 weeks.  The doctor said everything looked great but she thought I would still be pregnant my due date (Dec 1).  I asked her to take me out of work.  I'm a nurse and it was getting hard to do things for patients because I was getting so big. So she said Nov. 18 would be my last day.
November 18,2000. I worked my last night!  I was so busy that I didn't notice that he hadn't moved.  I thought it was because I was so busy that I hadn't felt him move.  I told my coworker that night that he hadn't moved as much.  The next morning when I got off work I told my husband that he hadn't moved as much.  I told my mom that afternoon that he hadn't moved as much.  I told my friend that night when she called tht he hadn't moved as much.  Monday, November 20, I couldn't ignore it anymore.  I stopped by the hospital where I work "just to check".  I never thought in a million years what happened would happen. 
November 20, 2000 at 11:00 am the nurse in labor and delivery told me she couldn't find his heartbeat with the doppler.  She said "Don't worry he might just be in a funny position".  She changed dopplers three times because of "A shortage".  Then she said "why don't we get an ultrasound?"  I called one of my friends to come stay with me while I waited to have the ultrasound done.  She held my hand while they put the jelly on my stomach.  My heart was racing I was scared to death.  Then he came up on the screen.  His heart was perfectly still.  Nobody had to tell me I could see. The waves that were once so rapidly moving as they clicked on the heartbeat were now perfectly still.  Tears began to flow.  I can't believe this is happening.  I just had an ultrasound 5 days ago!  Oh my God. I have to tell David and my mom and dad.  I immediately threw up.  I couldn't stop crying.  I felt absolutely helpless.  My mom and dad were the first there.  They didn't want to believe it.  My mom kept saying no they are wrong.  My husband, David, got there shortly after.  He never said a word.  He just had this look of shock on his face.
We went to the hospital.  They put me in a waiting room!   I left and went to the doctor's office.  The doctor confirmed what I had already known.  We were sent to the hospital.  They induced my labor at 4:30 pm and at 9:45 pm my son was born still.  My mom and two of my friends were in the room with me.  The whole time I was pushing I kept thinking to myself that if I can get him out he will be ok.  That didn't happen.  He came out, the doctor said "It's a boy" and silence.  All I could hear were my mom and friends crying.  It was so hard and unbelievably cruel to have to give birth to my child.  This was supposed to be a happy time.  And all I have is sadness.  I held my baby boy.  We decided to name him after his father.  His stepsister wasn't there but she saw his pictures.  The next two months were living HELL.  But somehow, I have survived.  I have survived!
I will never know why it happened.  I blame myself everyday.  I search for answers but I can't find any.  People say there must be a reason, but no one can tell me what that reason is. I don't understand how something as precious as  a newborn baby can be taken away like that.  I try not to blame God, although it has been very hard.  I have started to find some peace in knowing that Little Davey is in heaven with my grandparents and David's grandparents and my Aunt Julie--who used to rub my stomach when I was sick.
I wonder everyday if there was something I did wrong or if he gave me a sign I didn't see.  I will never know.  I have started what I call a "Healing book"  It is a scrapbook with his pictures and ultrasounds and poems I have written and his stepsister has written.  It has helped a great deal.
My husband still won't talk about it.  He won't even listen to me while I talk about him.  He changes the subject everytime I speak of Davey's name.  I know that men grieve different. But right now, I feel like I'm grieving all alone.
 

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