I've suffered with the pain of my lost baby all by myself

by Karen Dunn

Date: Thu, 22 Jul 1999

My story happened 2 years ago now. I only recently learned of this website and the chance to share my loss. Only one other person knows about my grief, my future husband, and he's been incredibly understanding.

I got pregnant in December 1996, just weeks before my boyfriend was to leave for another state. It was not a very committed relationship and I knew we had no real future together, so I never told him. He left for North Carolina on New Year's day and I never saw or heard from him again. The thought of ending my pregnancy never even entered my mind.

Despite being alone to raise a child by myself, I loved the baby growing inside of me. I imagined what it would look like, how it would feel to hold it, nurse it, love it and protect it for the rest of my life. I went to my doctor religiously, ate well, took my prenatal vitamins, continued to work out and be healthy.

In February 1997, not long after my 25th birthday, I started having cramps, just like a period. I was 11 weeks at that point. I immediately called my doctor who saw me later that day. She examined me, did an ultra sound and said everything looked ok, but that she thought maybe I ought to stop working out and take it a little easier. She wanted to see me again in 2 weeks.

I never made it to that doctor's appointment. A week and a half later, 12 and a half weeks, I woke in the middle of the night with severe pain, worse than any menstrual cramps I've ever had. I went to the bathroom, only to find my pajamas and underwear were full of blood.. the toilet also full of blood. I called 911 and was taken to the hospital where an emergency room doctor told me I'd lost my baby and had to have a D&C. I was devastated. I think I cried for 24 straight hours.

I was living alone at the time and had to call a friend to bring me home from the hospital. I couldn't tell her what had happened. No one knew I was pregnant and I didn't think they'd approve. I couldn't tell my family or any of my friends. I couldn't talk about what happened to me and my baby. I've suffered with the pain of my lost baby all by myself.

My doctor told me she saw signs of endometriosis and that there was a possibility I could never have children. Which devastated me. I really want children some day, but am afraid of trying, only to lose another baby.

A little more than a year ago I met a wonderful man. Not long into our relationship I felt comfortable enough to share my loss with him. He has sworn that once we're married we'll find the best fertility doctors in town and until they tell us I can't have children, he refuses to believe it. While he's so understanding of my pain, and is anxious for us to try to have a family, he doesn't understand my fears. He says he does, but how can he know what I went through, both physically and emotionally? Can he really understand that I might not be able to deal with the loss of another baby? If anyone has had a similar experience and has been able to move on, I'd love to hear it. I need advice on how to try again. Because even though it's been more than 2 years since I lost that baby, the pain is as real as the day it happened. kddoesnews@hotmail.com  

Thanks and God Bless.