I would like to express my thanks to you for your wonderful and caring stories. I felt comforted reading stories similar to mine and knowing what was in them wasn't a friend trying to make me feel better but someone who had actually experienced the pain I am in. Although friends and Doctors have helped, they still can't tell me what I wanted to hear. Your stories have been more consoling than words can say, knowing that, although I will never forget my twin boys, there is hope for healthy and happy children in my future.
I would like to share our story. My husband and I have been married for seven years. We waited two years before trying to have a baby. After seeing MANY Doctors we found out that we had male factor infertility. My husband was producing sperm but it wasn't getting out. Some Doctor's had hope; others didn't. Finally after 3 unsuccessful surgeries, we looked into adoption. I am adopted so I had no fear that the baby wouldn't be "ours". Just when we were ready to go ahead we got a call from a Doctor at the fertility Clinic. He specializes in Male factor and told us there was hope. We used invitro-fertilization, MESA, and ICSI. The procedure was long, painful and quite expensive. But finally we were pregnant with twins. I was the most wonderful 22 weeks of our lives. Needless to say at 22 weeks my perfect pregnancy turned into my greatest nightmare. Because I was going into pre-mature labour so fast they couldn't stop it. I begged them to try everything but they wouldn't. They said that if they tried to prevent it my uterus could rupture or I would have a heart attack. "They didn't want to sent me home saying I couldn't have more kids." March 5/98 our sons were born. I had no labour pains and the delivery was smooth. I remember crying and thinking that I was going to give them life just to let them die. Jeremy was born at 10:10am(weighing 1lb. 1 oz) and Anthony at 10:18 am (weighing 15oz). They were both fully formed and beautiful. My husband and I held them and cried the few hours they lived. I didn't want to hold them but now I'm so glad I did. We have their footprints and the outfits they wore and pictures I look at every day. I can't imagine getting over this pain but I feel the need to be pregnant because I can't imagine life without children. Having to face IVF again doesn't seem to have the hope it once had because I'm afraid this will happen again. I have 2 close friends that are pregnant and I love them but it kills me inside to see them. I wish someone could help me make sense of this to know that I am going to get better (although never forget about the boys) but that we won't have to go through another 5 years just to have this happen again. I wish I could imagine us having a healthy, happy baby but it seems so far away.
Thank you for taking the time to read my lengthy story and please feel free to share it with others.
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