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My Story 

by Debbi Ewing : rledle@intop.net

Update: Sun, 21 May 2000

Date: Wed, 08 Apr 1998

I am 5 days away from what should have been my due date for my first child. In August of 1997 I found out I was five weeks pregnant with my first baby. A few days later I began to miscarry. Although it has been eight months since the miscarriage I still have days of intense sadness. I suppose I will always have days like those. I see a newborn and think to myself that is what my baby would look like. I see a pregnant woman that is about due and think that is what I would look like. I think of my miscarriage all the time. After I lost my baby I had made a "goal" for myself to be pregnant again by Christmas. I believe I did get pregnant again in November only to have another miscarriage in the fifth week. I never made it to the doctor because I wanted to make sure I would make it past my sixth week. I know that may sound strange, but I felt if I could make it past the fifth and sixth week that things would be all right.

Unfortunately I didn't make it that far. I deal with things on a day to day basis. Some days I just want to talk with someone who knows exactly how I feel. Cry with someone else. I have a supportive family but we don't talk about my miscarriages. They don't want to upset me. I no longer have set "goals" for myself, but instead just hope to be pregnant again soon with a health baby. I read many stories and articles about women and their miscarriages. They give me hope especially when I see they had healthy pregnancies after their miscarriages. Hope is what I hold on to now.

I have a web site at <http://www.intop.net/~rledle/miscarriage.html>. This page was created to help me work through my grief and to lend support to other women dealing with their loss. Feel free to email me if you need to talk.

Debbi Ewing

Date: Sun, 21 May 2000

My thoughts and prayers go out to you all. I've not achieved pg since 1997 and am undergoing treatment for secondary infertility.
I want to commend you all for your submissions of your stories and what you've been through. It's one of the most unselfish things you can do for your self and others. Believe it or not it does help to know you're not alone in your grief. Telling your story helps to heal your wounds.
My baby would have been two this year. A day doesn't go by that I don't think about him/her. A day doesn't go by that I don't ask myself, "What if.......". At times the wound still seems fresh when I talk about my loss with someone. While time has made it easier to deal with , the pain never goes away. I only can try to keep positive thoughts and pray for strength.
I keep an updated journal online with hopes I can help someone else through their grieving process. http://pub6.ezboard.com/fdeardiarydeardiary.html  Please come by if you would like some support.

Debbi Ewing

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