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Baby G

by Patrice

Date: Tue, 19 Sep 2000

Mike & I were married in August of 1999. We had met only a year and
a half before. We had our share of family difficulties & faced
problems many young couples never know. But we persevered. In our
first few months of marriage we planned on building a home--we
planned it for Dec 2000. With all these bedrooms to fill I became
preoccupied with the baby talk. Mike & I were pregnant 6 weeks
after the talk. I told him of the news on our 11 month wedding
anniversary----we were ecstatic!!! He ran out & bought me maternity
clothes----I hadn't gained a pound but we giggled as I modeled them.
We shouted it from the rooftops--my mothers birthday was a few days
later---her gift was a crystal angel ornament with the following
poem:::
see the sparkle in my daddy's eye or my mommy's brighter smile
its because they have great news to share ---news of a grandchild
You see I am just beginning now-God's still painting my eyes & nose
But the months will pass quickly by as mommy's belly grows & grows
This angel is a symbolic gift to hang on your Christmas tree
I won't make it for the holidays this year but it will make you think of me!
Then every Christmas from now on--you must promise forever & ever
You'll wait for me to visit you & we'll hang our special angel
together. love baby Gallo


I wrote this before I even knew I was pregnant. The following weeks
were unreal. Mike & I were happier than ever. I never knew such
happiness. Our first doctors visit was great---We went with a list
of questions. Everything seemed fine--I was 7 1/2 weeks pregnant.
I remember calling the doctors office the next week for results of
blood tests---when they said everything was normal my legs buckled &
I cried my eyes out in my the middle of my office. The due date
they gave us was march 24. How wonderful I thought I'll have the
nursery all ready. We picked names, we bought soft clothes,
children's books & made plans. I even had the christening list
written. I never thought, even though I was scared, that my worst
fears would come true. I was 26, in terrific shape, still
exercising & I had a terrific diet. Pregnancy was going great. At
my 11 1/2 week visit I was so anxious. I wanted to hear that babies
heartbeat in the worst way---I made the earliest appointment &
mike & I were on our way. That morning they couldn't hear
a thing---I was told that it wasn't unusual & that next time I would
hear it. I even had a pelvic where they said my uterus was as big
as it should be. I couldn't leave. Mike insisted on an ultrasound
to ease my anxieties. They told us to return in 5 hours for the
sonogram. We didn't panic---instead we went out to lunch with my
mom & thumbed thru baby costume catalogs. The whole ride to the
appointment we debated whose visor the picture would go on---we even
stopped at a hallmark for cards--the next day was my birthday & I
know that mike bought my first mommy card---I never saw it. We
entered the dark room like schoolchildren--holding hands. I'll
never forget the picture of the baby on the screen---it looked
perfect. I saw arms, legs, body, profile, I started to cry . The
technician kept moving on my belly though and asking questions like
whether or not I had the flu??? NO!!!! I hadn't had a sniffle now
please go back to my baby. He turned the screen off & said the baby
made 8 weeks & 5 days. But I was 11weeks 5 days. My baby died 21
days before----never a sign. Not a spot of blood, my body kept
getting bigger---how could this be. I was hysterical & Mike held it
together while he set up my surgery for the very next morning.
Outside we both collapsed with grief & headed straight to my parents
who were waiting for the picture. We were devastated & cried for
hours. That night I took a pill to sleep & woke up to enter the
hospital & to have my first baby, my beautiful angel taken from me
on Sept 8, my 27 th birthday. Everything went well in the
surgery---thank God. But now is when it all hits us. Where do we
go from here??? How do I even begin to heal. Physically I could
bleed for a month & its a constant reminder, in 5 days I lost all
the weight I had gained & it seems like my uterus has gone down a
bit. But its that constant aching in my heart where I can't begin.

I scream in my head---MY baby died!!!! And I am so angry & so
distraught. I have no answers or clue as to what happened---only
broken dreams & a box labeled Baby G that holds them. All I want
to do is try again but you must wait. Wait until your body heals.
They said approx. 3 months----------God please let me go to sleep &
wake up then. How can I make it thru Christmas How can I walk
into that brand new house with an empty nursery??? Its only been 12
days since it happened but it feels like one horribly long day. I
wonder why me?? Why God--we went to church every week??? We would
have given the baby everything---especially love. I know in my
heart I'll never be the same--I miss my baby so much--------I loved
something I never touched but this baby touched me in a way I will
never understand. We went back to church this week & instead of
lighting a candle for my babies health---I lit a candle that a family
member in heaven was now with our angel. I pray that with
time, the pain lessens & I come to grips with what happened. But
our long road has just begun.........................

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