Our Daughter ... Alauna Jean Gay

by Pam Gay

I wanted to share our story. Alauna was a beautiful baby girl. Born May 28, 1997. On July 15, 1997 we lost her to SIDS. Why? I will never know I guess. She was a happy and healthy baby girl. I always called her my little angel. I never knew that it would become a fact. She was the light of our other two daughters' life. The loved her so. The night before was so great. She was in a wonderful mood and my husband and I stayed up till midnight with her. She was getting to where she would smile and coo. It was so cute!! My husband went into bed and we followed. Alauna still was being playful so we sat and played for a little longer and she did one little itty bitty giggle. It was her first ever and my heart melted. I will never forget that. I then lay down to nurse her to sleep. She wouldn't take bottles at all. She also liked to sleep with us and wouldn't sleep in her bassinet. Anyway, I nursed her and I remember her letting go and looking up at me and grinning. Once again my heart melted. I looked at her and said "Alauna Jean it's time to go to sleep now". If I would have known that she would but would never wake up again I would have held her and rocked her all night. Anyway I ended up falling asleep too.

The next morning we entered a nightmare that I wonder if it will ever end. My husband came to wake me about 7 or so because I had her pictures set up for that day and was taking my other two girls to a daycare that I use for when I have things to do. Any way Alauna was between me and my 4 yr old on the bed. My husband woke me but I hadn't opened my eyes yet. He was getting ready to walk out of the room when he noticed Alauna's coloring next to our 4 yr old. It made him come back and look at her and that is how I awoke and opened my eyes. I awoke to him screaming Oh My God. Instantly I sat up as he was starting to pick up our precious baby. I will never forget how she looked. Mucus on her face and she was purple. I started screaming and asking my husband what was wrong with her. He was saying he didn't know and instantly he started CPR and told me to call 911. I did but couldn't remember our address and he had to tell me it. The 911 operator told me to take the phone to the baby but it wouldn't reach so she told me to bring the baby to the phone. Why I don't know. Anyway I ran over to her and touched her leg and felt that she was still warm. I knew that was a good sign and told the operator that I couldn't bring her to the phone cuz he would have to quit doing CPR. I then noticed my 4 and 2 yr old staring at their daddy doing CPR and knowing I had to get them out of there. I ran them to the neighbors.

I could hear the sirens. The paramedic got to our house in about 3 minutes. I came back in the house with a neighbor and my husband told her to get me out of there where they were working on her so I didn't have to watch. I was going in and out of the kitchen back to the living room where they were. The last time I did they had taken her out of the house. I freaked. I ran to the front porch and started screaming at them to give me back my baby. I think I knew she was gone but I needed to hold her. I hadn't got to hold my baby yet that day. They told us to meet them at the hospital. That gave me a glimmer of hope till we got there and they put us in a room with a Chaplain. After about 20 minutes or so (time was confusing) the doctor came in and he had tears in his eyes and knelt in front of us. We knew for sure that she was gone. They let me hold her. Gosh she was still beautiful. She looked like she was sleeping. I checked her body all over to make sure she didn't have any bruises cuz my first thought was I had rolled on her. The doctor had guaranteed me that wasn't the case and said they would be able to tell if it was but I had to check for myself. She was just perfect looking and looked like she should wake up. They did have a tube in her mouth and a needle thing in her leg and I remember being so mad cuz I thought It might hurt. I know that wasn't logical thinking but my healthy 7wk old baby never taking another breath wasn't logical either.

Planning a funeral for your child is horrible. We had a wonderful funeral director that we had known all our life. He was great. We had her services in our small hometown and he gave us a key to go in after hours whenever we wanted. He had a rocking chair and I would hold and rock her there. I could not stay at the cemetery and watch them put her in the ground. I miss her so. I know she is in heaven and safe but the pain is still there. We found out we were expecting about 2 months after we lost her. Talk about a shock. I treasure this baby but am awfully scared also. I just have to trust God. This baby is due one week before Alauna's first birthday. It can not replace her but I am awfully grateful God blessed us with a baby again. I question the timing but He must think the timing is perfect. We miss our darling angel and will never forget her. She brought so much joy to our hearts.

We love you Alauna.