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My Little Man

By Maris George

Date: Wed, 06 Jan 1999

My son Ryan Michael died from SIDS on Feb 9th, 1996. It was the worst day of my life. It should have been a normal day for me getting ready for work and getting the kids ready to go. I woke for work at about 5:15 am. I left the kids sleep for a few more minutes, but something struck me as odd about Ryan. He was still in the same position as the night before and I noticed I had not given him any bottle all night. I felt my heart stand still then I knew something wasn't right as I moved closer to him I got even more scared! When I finally touched him and got no response, my world ended. I shook him and tried to get him to wake up and I remember I kept screaming his name I finally turned him over (he was asleep on his stomach) and will never forget his face. It was slightly blue under his eyes. I can't describe the feeling I had (and still do have). I panicked, and called my parents. I remember yelling into the phone, "Dad, something is wrong with Ryan. Ryan is not breathing." He told me to call 911. After I had 911 on the line I started CPR and the operator stayed on the line with me until the paramedics got there. My dad arrived 1st and took over CPR while I talked to the 911 operator. The ambulance arrived within a few minutes and took Ryan away. My then 3-yr. old daughter witnessed everything. My dad took my daughter to grandma's while I rode with the paramedic to the hospital. I was a mess. He wouldn't tell me anything. He just kept saying they were working on him. After we got to the hospital they took me to a room while the doctor's worked on him.

Two police officers were there waiting to question me, they were very nice from what I remember (just doing their job). my dad got there with me shortly before the doctor came in to tell me he was dead. I could not believe my little man could be gone just like that and for no reason in the world, for some unexplainable reason, my little man was gone! I remember crying over and over to my dad "daddy, why is this happening? Please don't let Ryan be dead, please."

I don't even remember the days after that, but to this day, I feel the pain just as much. I would give my life up for that precious little man of mine. I still feel so guilty. All the what ifs?

The hardest part to deal with is the fact that I had to find my son like that. It is a nightmare I relive every day. Also that it was the 1st night I let him sleep on his stomach (he was so fussy that night, it was the only way he would sleep). And he was sleeping with me. Why didn't I wake up sooner? Why?

It is almost 3 years since my little man died, and it still hurts just as bad. My heart is breaking and I ache to hold him in my arms. Does it ever get easier to live with?

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