Not Again!!

by Heather Gray

Update January 12, 1999

Well, I just found out yesterday that I'm pregnant again. This is my 3rd pregnancy and no child as of yet. I have a really good feeling this time though. I think this might be it. My fiancée tells me not to get my hopes up, but it's hard not to. I want to tell the world that I'm gonna be a Mom finally. But since life has no guarantees, as we all know too well, I'm not going to get my hopes up too much.

I'll keep everyone posted as to how this pregnancy turns out. Please pray for me, as I'll pray for all of you.

Thank you for listening and God Bless you all,

Heather Gray

Date: Tue, 13 Oct 1998

I'm a 24 year old who has just experienced my second miscarriage. For as long as I can remember I have always dreamed of being a mother. My fiancée and I have been together for 6 years now. I became pregnant for the first time when I was 21 years old. I was so happy and nervous at the same time.

I had only enjoyed being pregnant for a couple of weeks when the doctor told me I had lost my baby. I was devastated! The actual thought of having a miscarriage had never entered my mind. I was only 8 weeks pregnant when I was told of my loss. I was scheduled for my D&C the following day and had no sign of having an actual miscarriage yet. I had not heard a heartbeat, nor had an ultrasound of my growing baby. I guess I was lucky in that aspect, for I was spared more agony. But that didn't matter to me.

I went into an instant depression. It was 4 days after my surgery that I actually realized that my fiancée was grieving too. I finally went and got some therapy to deal with my loss & my grief. Up until this past year I would still get really sad and depressed when I would hear of people I knew getting pregnant. I would feel empty toward them. One of the ways I dealt with my grief was through my cat. I happened to find him a couple of weeks after my miscarriage.

Well about 2 years had passed since the miscarriage when I found out that I was to be blessed again. A second chance at having a baby. My fiancée and I were overwhelmed with joy as was all of my family.

I was very nervous going into this pregnancy. I made sure to be very specific to my doctor that I was scared due to the first miscarriage. He monitored me very closely and it appeared this was going to be it. A healthy pregnancy. I immediately got an ultrasound and several tests done. I was told everything was going great.

I was about 10 weeks into my pregnancy when I started getting really bad cramps. I was terrified so I called the doctor immediately. I was told to come in if I started bleeding. Well, I started bleeding a couple hours later and the cramps were getting worse. The doctor examined me and it was determined that my cervix was still closed. He did an ultrasound and it was a miracle, the baby was alive! I saw my baby clear as day. The baby was very active and moving a lot. I was still bleeding though, and the ultrasound determined it was from my placenta.

The doctor sent me home with a 50-50 chance of holding the baby. When I arrived at my house I was in pure agony. My cramping had increased as did the bleeding. I went into the restroom and sat down on the toilet with the worst cramping of my life. I was screaming when my fiancée entered the bathroom. I yelled for him to leave. Finally the cramps subsided a bit and I was able to lay down on the bed.

Some time had passed while I lay there talking to my fiancée. I was feeling a little bit better. I knew I was bleeding really heavy, so I got up to go to the bathroom again. I did not make the 10 foot walk to the toilet before I began to feel stuff literally pouring out of me. There was blood everywhere. It was on the floor, the toilet, the carpet, all down my legs. I screamed for my fiancée. He came in and I took a peek into the toilet where I saw so much tissue that I thought for sure the baby was there. It wasn't.

I stepped into the shower to clean myself off. In the meantime, my mother and my fiancée called 911. While in the shower I glanced at something back behind me. I turned around to see my 10 week old fetus laying dead in my bathtub. I screamed so loudly this time and I panicked. I looked at my dead baby so closely. It was to be a boy.

This happened in September of this year. Two days before I had my second miscarriage, the cat that I had found shortly after my first miscarriage, had died in surgery. So here I am today without my baby or my precious pet. I can't help but feel empty and bitter. I cry and I wonder constantly if I will ever be able to have a healthy baby. I do not wish my unfortunate experience on anyone.

Love & Support,
Heather Gray