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Our Sweet Little Angel

by Baylee Griffin

Baylee_Lynn@yahoo.com 

Monday 01/22/2001

I was an eighteen-year-old college student with everything to look forward to. I was in school studying Special Ed. Teaching and I was just finishing up my first semester when it happened. My period was about a week late and I was starting to get worried, so I took a pregnancy test. I took one test, which came up positive almost immediately, and so I took the second test in the box, which also came up positive. My first reaction was to cry, cry for mine and my boyfriend of a year and a half's future and all of the plans we had. I was so young and to top it all off, we weren't exactly the richest family. But after I went to the doctor's for a blood test, the fact was that there was a little baby coming, whether we were ready or not. Yes at first we, my boyfriend and I, were very scared, but after a while we began to get excited. Excited for what kind of life we would create, what kind of parents we would make, and that our lives were not over, but just momentarily on hold. Our friends were worried, but they were happy, and so they began to make all sorts of plans for the baby. My boyfriend and I picked out names and god parents and we had all these plans on what we were going to do for our baby. This baby was so loved, by it's parents, by it's grandparents, and by our friends. I can not express how much this baby was loved.

I went to my first doctor's appointment when I was ten weeks pregnant, and everything was looking good. I was perfectly healthy and so was the baby. I made an appointment to hear the heartbeat in just a month later. I could feel this little baby living inside of me, and I was in love with it. When my boyfriend would come home and rub my belly, I knew he loved it just as much. It was three days later when I started spotting. Even though there was no pain at all, I was so worried as soon as it happened but my mother assured me that it was perfectly normal and to just go to sleep. The next morning I woke up and I was still bleeding and I decided to go to the emergency room. The doctor said he wanted to do a pelvic exam and an emergency ultra sound. I waited for such a long time, and finally, after all the horrible, humiliating tests, he said that there was no fetus in the amniotic sac, and that I was going to have a miscarriage very soon. I was so hurt, it was a pain so excruciating that I can't describe it. I wanted this little baby so badly, and it was gone. Later I went home and went to bed. I cried myself to sleep. I couldn't talk to anyone. In the morning I looked at all the books I had on how to raise a healthy child and breastfeeding and pregnancy, along with the little outfits my mother and I had bought just a couple of days before and just held it all and cried, cried so hard. I put everything I had for the baby in a box and taped it shut so tight. I was so hurt and I was scared cause I hadn't actually lost the baby yet and I had no idea what would actually happen when I did.

Well it's Monday now and I miscarried yesterday. My boyfriend said that the baby must have seen how hard he was working for almost no money, and how I was going to quit school and work, so the baby, our sweet little angel, must have just decided to go back to heaven and wait until we were ready for him or her to come back. Whatever happened, whatever went wrong, our little baby is gone. Along with the baby is my heart, because here I am, and I have never felt so empty in all of my short life. I don't know if I will ever be ok fully, I guess time will tell. Mama loves you very much Rayna or William. We hope you come back to us when you are ready...

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