Living In My Heart

by Louis Hamill

Dedicated to my poor wee darlings from their loving mummy.

Update: 7/18/99

Date: Mon, 5 Jul 1999

On February 28th 1999, I lost my little baby. It was only 6 weeks old, but was all I had ever dreamed off. The baby had just stopped growing inside of me and I had to undergo a D&C. I felt like my heart had been ripped out and no one could give any explanation apart to say that it was just 'natures way'. It's now July, and I conceived six weeks ago. Today I went for an early scan and was told that the sac looked empty (but the doctor was not 100 percent sure). I have been asked to wait for one week for another scan since sometimes nature has proven them wrong. I have 7 full days to go, but have been told it does not look hopeful. I'm sitting here, writing on my computer and it is raining and thunder outside, but inside me the rain feels worse. I think I have lost my second little baby. I know I have done everything right, taken the folic acid, taken lots of rest, eaten loads of fruit, but it doesn't seem to matter. I wish someone could explain to me why this is happening - why the babies are dying. Every where I look, people are pushing prams or holding babies - I feel glad for them, but just wish that I could have that 'little bundle of joy' too.

I want to remember my lost babies here and want the world to know how much I love them. The weeks they are with me seems like heaven, knowing that I have life growing inside of me created by the man I love so much. Now that my first child has died and my second child may also be dead inside of me I am wondering if maybe there wasn't a soul ready for them yet or maybe they didn't want to be born this soon. All things go through my mind, but there is one thing that keeps me going and that is my faith and love in both my husband and God. I don't really go to Church, but I feel him in my heart and know that one day everything will work out right.

I will likely lose my second child next Monday by a D&C. They say that the child is re-absorbed, my children are re-absorbed and living in my heart right beside each other.

Date: Sun, 18 Jul 1999

Thank you very much for your reply. I have an update for you and your site. I went to the doctor on Monday expecting the worst - another D & C was what they had told me. I was extremely upset and crying as they did the final scan. It was a lady doctor and she asked me how I felt about the vaginal scan, before I could answer she said, 'It's Ok, we don't need it'. To that, I replied through my tears and asked if it was bad news. She said no, it was good news and that she had found a tiny little heart beat. I could not believe it and asked if it was a dream, but she re-assured me that there was a very very young baby there. I was then told that once in a while the doctors can only see an empty sac, but 1 week more makes all the difference. It has now been almost 1 week since I had that news and I can hardly believe it still. I am so afraid that something will go wrong, but am looking very positively at everything. Last week was the worst week of my life, but I prayed to St Jude and I got my answer.

I wanted to send you this update in the hope that it will bring a little hope to others that are maybe going through the same thing. Your web site and others were so useful to me last week and helped me to understand that I was not the only one out there suffering the loss of a baby. I want to thank you for your support on line - sometimes it's the little things that mean so much in times like this.