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I'm struggling

by Lisa A Hatle

I wrote this when I was fourteen. I am now nineteen. It has helped me a lot in dealing with my cousin's death in '87, though I was only 3 when Meghan died. I miss her a lot more than anyone who hasn't been through this can imagine. This letter was written from Meg's point of view and whenever I miss her so much I pull it out to read. Please feel free to e-mail.

Date: Tue, 5 Mar 2002

Several months later after losing my baby I feel better but I'm struggling with the decision to try again. I found out that we have a 5% chance of having another baby with brittle bone disease. (Osteogenesis Imperfecta Type II) Which is very small but it doesn't make me feel any better. I've already had one child with medical issues. His medical issues are minor but we've had to deal with a lot of unanswered questions and a lot of scares involving his health. I had two miscarriages and the loss of a baby to this disease. I feel like saying "3 strikes and your out". My husband wants to try one more time but I'm Terrified!!! I know that if I have to go through this again that I will go over the deep end.

There is always the risk of having a child with health problems. Since I've already had a child with problems I'm afraid that it will be worse the next time and I know that I can't deal with that either. Yet, I see my family and friends with these beautiful babies and I feel this pull to want to try one more time. I think about this decision every single day.

I'm sick of thinking about it but I do anyways. One day I'm saying yes and the next no. Basically I've postponed the idea. I can think about it but I'm not doing anything about it for a long time. I feel that maybe time will help or maybe not. I'm so jealous of those who sail through their pregnancies with no worries and their child is perfectly healthy. Right now I don't want to have more children just because I can't go through that pain. But I feel bad for my son, that he will be a only child. I can't think of him because I know he will be fine. Anyways, I hope I will be able to make a decision someday. If anyone has any comments feel free to email me at lphatle@juno.com.

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