Our Hearts Ache For Our Little One

by Rebecca Hatch

If any of you would like to e-mail me, please do so. I could use the support. My e-mail address is hatchfam@juno.com.

Update:
Date: Sat, 20 Mar 1999

Date: Thu, 01 Oct 1998

There are times when I think I have gotten over the pain and little things trigger it all over again. This was to be our third child. We have 2 healthy boys (ages 7 and 4) and had planned this pregnancy, hoping for a girl to round out our family. We had read numerous things to try to enhance our chances and compared all of them to determine which would work best. It took us 4 months to conceive. I sometimes wonder if I was being punished in wanting a girl so bad that I miscarried. I douched with a vinegar and water solution an hour before intercourse (in order to change the pH balance) and wonder if this somehow played a role. I asked my nurse practitioner and she assured me it was not since all the douching does is change the pH but I still feel like I'm to blame, after all I carried the baby and I was the lifeline it needed in order to live. If I hadn't tried to play God, maybe it wouldn't have happened. It hurts so much that I can't even describe the pain. The best description I can try to give is a big empty feeling in your heart and having a huge knot in your chest.

The nightmare started on my first scheduled doctor's appointment ( Friday, August 28, 1998). I went in with my husband excited to finally hear the baby's heartbeat. The nurse practitioner was having difficulty finding one with the doppler and told us not to worry since the baby was still small and that an ultrasound was going to be done anyway. We weren't worried (at that time) and were looking forward to the ultrasound. It was done vaginally and there was the baby. I was so excited to see the proof of my pregnancy! This whole time the nurse practitioner was measuring it and asking us if we were sure we were as far along as we were. "Yes", we said because we kept track of all period dates since we had been trying to conceive. She said that it was measuring in at 7 weeks, 6 days and then at 8 weeks, 1 day. I was at 11 weeks. I didn't comprehend what was going on at first but it did register in my husband's brain. I just thought it was a computer glitch. I finally asked, "Is there something wrong?" The nurse practitioner replied that, "Yes there is, it looks like the baby didn't make it." She said that she would get the doctor to come in and make sure. He did and performed another vaginal ultrasound. We were told that it was a 95% chance the baby had gone but that I was to still leave blood in order to test my hormonal levels to see if they would increase over the weekend. If by Monday they weren't back up, a D & C would then be performed on Tuesday. The hormonal levels kept dropping and a D & C was performed. All I can say is that I'm glad that I picked the doctor and nurse practitioner I did because they were the kindest people to my husband and I at this time. I have heard of real horror stories and am glad to have had them there during my D & C.

Both my husband and I are totally devastated. He deals with the pain more quietly and I must admit that it sometimes bothers me. I think it is because I'm so afraid that the baby will be forgotten, a thing of the past. I know that everyone deals with pain differently and I should just accept it but it has been really hard. My older son asked me if we were going to attend the funeral for the baby after we had found out. I had to tell him no that the hospital was going to keep it. I felt as if I just wanted to die at that point. The boys will often pray to God to please let the next baby be healthy. I really love them so much and am glad that I have them and my husband. I am sorry if I depressed any of you but I just needed to get it all out. Please forgive me if I did. If any of you would like to e-mail me, please do so. I could use the support. My e-mail address is hatchfam@juno.com. I'm sorry that it happened to all of us and wish the best for all of you in the future.

Update:
Date: Sat, 20 Mar 1999

Today is the due date of my first miscarried angel (Saturday, March 20th,1999). The thing that was supposed to get my husband and I through this day was to be pregnant once again, not to replace the baby we had lost, but to bring a much wanted third child to our family. Well we had received our wish and I was pregnant again but on Thursday, March 11th, we went in for a second transvaginal ultrasound and found it to be a blighted ovum. I was approaching nine weeks that Saturday. The nurse practitioner thought that it looked as if something had tried to grow in the gestational sac but didn't make it. It might not have been a complete blighted ovum since a "true one has no fetal matter left in the gestational sac" but nevertheless it was one.

My husband and I had been in two weeks earlier to get the standard OB screening done (my weight taken, urine sample given for positive pregnancy tests, all medical questions asked along with pregnancy dos and don'ts plus the freebies given). After all that was done, I asked if we could possibly hear a heartbeat or have a transvaginal ultrasound done to reassure us everything was fine because of the last time I had miscarried. The nurse in attendance told us that it was still too young to hear a heartbeat and if we were to have a transvaginal ultrasound done and didn't see a fetal stem, we might be worried for nothing because of it still being too young. It was also added that there might not be anyone to perform one. Well there was finally someone that was found and one was performed. We were led to an older ultrasound machine that was too blurry to make out anything and the fetus was measuring way too big for our dates. We knew our dates for a fact since we kept track of my last period and ovulation time. Since it was hard to read, we were asked to wait until a room with a better sonogram machine opened up. We waited for a very long, long time. One finally opened up and we saw what looked to be something growing in the gestational sac but now measuring too young without a heartbeat. We were told to come back two weeks later which we did and it was then everything was diagnosed.

Since the D & C was done, I am now on antibiotics because of the uterus infection I had as a result. I have to admit that I had/have been very upset and bitter of all that has happened but it could have been much worse since my two miscarriages have been diagnosed early with sonograms before any bleeding and cramping could occur. Fortunately my uterus infection was found early with a trip to the E.R. room and my chances of any future baby aren't made impossible. Even with all of the bad luck that has come my way, I still hope to someday have my third child. My husband and I have decided to wait a year or so since I need time to let my body heal along with my broken heart. I just wanted to say that we are still not giving up and don't want any of you to either. I did find out that my thyroid is normal and that next time when I do get pregnant, my progesterone level will be checked. So some good has come out of the bad. If anyone would like to e-mail me, please do so. My e-mail is hatchfam@juno.com.