My Angel

by K. Horn

21 Jul 1998

It has taken me awhile to be able to write this, but so many of the stories on this site have helped me, that I thought maybe my story could help or at least comfort others. It has been almost exactly three months since I found out I had a miscarriage. I was nine weeks pregnant at the time. When my husband and I conceived in February, we were thrilled, it had only taken us that one time of trying. My sister was already about 2 1/2 months pregnant and I was so excited to share the news with her and share the experience with her. Our families are out of town, so we decided to wait to tell them until we saw them in April. Plus, we figured it would be smart to wait a few weeks to be sure all was well. I began spotting at the end of the fifth week. I was terrified and came home from work in tears. I called my doctor- they said to wait a few days to see if the spotting continued and to call back if it did. The spotting was light and I had no pain at all. Still, I was scared to death. I took the next day, Friday, off of work. That weekend was the longest of my life. The spotting continued and by Sunday night, I was convinced I had lost my baby. We called Mon. morning and made an appt. to see the doctor Tues. By that point, I had cried a million tears and came to believe I was no longer pregnant. On Tues., my husband and I went to find out our baby's fate. The initial physical exam was positive, the doctor said it felt as if I was pregnant and said he'd do an ultrasound to see for sure. He warned us that the ultrasound he had at this office was not high tech and we may not be able to see anything with it, but that it wouldn't necessarily mean we had lost the baby. They did a vaginal ultrasound and we saw our beautiful tiny baby with an amazing little heart beat. We were thrilled, our baby was still there!! The doctor told us the spotting might still continue for awhile, but as long as it didn't get worse or I didn't feel any pain, we shouldn't really worry about it. I went home to my family the next day and shared with them the good news. I was still nervous because I was still spotting and I warned my family not to get too excited just yet. They were such a wonderful support for me and my husband. My next appt. was scheduled for 2 1/2 weeks later. The spotting continued but did decrease a lot. Even so, there was a part of me that was still very nervous, despite everyone's best efforts to keep me positive. By the weekend before our next visit, I began to doubt that things were o.k. I still had periodic light spotting and my breasts weren't near as tender as they used to be. I knew this probably wasn't good, but I held on to hope. We saw City Of Angels the day before our appt. Looking back, I think God was preparing us. We went in Monday for our appt. The nurse tried to find the heartbeat but couldn't. She said not to worry, I was only 9 weeks and you can't always find it. She said we could have an ultrasound to see the baby. By this point, fear and reality had set in. She couldn't find anything with the regular ultra sound so decided to do a vaginal one. Again they could find nothing. We had lost our baby. After getting another doctor to be sure, the nurse brought us back to the room and gave us some time alone. I broke down into tears. The next few days were the hardest of my life. I had to go get an ultrasound to be sure of the initial diagnosis- I had had a missed miscarriage, which meant I still had to go in and have a D & C. The procedure itself was painless, and I had a wonderful doctor and staff that made the whole ordeal a little bit more bearable. Still, the pain I felt was like nothing before. I could barely talk to my family on the phone through all my tears. I felt like crying all the time and did. I had already grown to love the little person growing within me, especially after seeing the amazing heart beat. Everything seemed to make me sad. I wondered if I would ever feel myself again and if the pain, loneliness, and sorrow would ever go away. I was angry at God and at the world. This child had been so wanted and so loved, and now it was gone.

My husband was and remains an incredible source of strength for me, as does my family and his. I am doing much better now, although I still have my moments. Mother's day and Father's day were difficult for me, but I did make it through them. Some songs I hear still make me cry, and just the other day I completely broke down in tears upon hearing about a good friend's pregnancy. For the most part, though, I do feel stronger. My husband and I have decided to start trying again. The thought terrifies me but at the same time I am excited and hopeful. I just hope that when we do become pregnant again, I can remain positive and calm, instead of fearful of what might happen. I just pray that we both have the strength to deal with whatever may come our way. I will continue to use this sight as a source of comfort and hope for me. I pray for all of you who are grieving and hope that all of our dreams for healthy children can come true. I like to believe that my baby, my little angel, is looking down on me now and guiding me, kind of like a guardian angel. My baby would have been due on Nov. 23. My mom bought me a beautiful guardian angel pin, with a Nov. birthstone. I hold on to it, knowing I'll never forget my first baby.

K. Horn