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Forever In My Heart

by Justina Hwong

9/20/99

I first found out I was pregnant on Dec. 20/98. I was in a state of shock. I thought to myself what a horrible Christmas this was going to be. I was only 21 and although my fiancé and I had been together over 5 years, our relationship was no longer stable. And when I told him later that day, he wasn't exactly thrilled but he accepted it.

The very next morning, I woke up and I started bleeding-and it was dark blood. I was so scared I went straight to my doctor. She told me that I was probably going to miscarry. When I left the doctor's office, I started to cry. I was so confused. I had just found out the day before that I was pregnant, and now I was being told that I was going to lose it. And that's when it hit me that I WANTED this baby.

I was sent for an ultrasound that same day and the tech told me that everything looked okay so far, and that I was four weeks pregnant. But I still had to wait and see-there was a chance I would still miscarry. I was scheduled for another ultrasound in two weeks-if I could make it that long.

Two weeks passed and there had been no more bleeding during that period. When I went for my second ultrasound at six weeks, the tech showed me the sac and the small living thing that was in it. And she told me that there was a fetal heartbeat. I was so relieved and completely overjoyed.

Now that I knew I was okay, I was very excited. I was finally going to be a mommy. I had always wanted a baby and now it was finally going to happen. Even my fiancé seemed a little excited. We started to talk about how we would make all this work and we even came up with a girl's and a boy's name for the baby. I named the baby Madison because in my heart, I knew it was a girl. This was also the time when the morning sickness and the fatigue started to kick in for me. I was actually starting to "feel" pregnant. I was really happy. I felt my life was finally going to have some meaning to it.

Then on Sunday, February 7, 1999, I woke up at 4:00 a.m. and I was spotting. I freaked out. And to make it worse, my fiancé hadn't come home that night. This is not unusual to me, and I have to admit, he really wasn't there for me very much. So I ended up driving myself to the hospital, and after spending 8 hours in the emergency ward, I was told that I looked okay but I should still go see my doctor to be sure. I was eleven weeks at this point. I was sent for another ultrasound on Tuesday, and that's when my heart broke. The tech told me that the sac was empty. I didn't know how else to react except to cry. I was also angry because I did everything that I was supposed to do. I ended up having a D&C done the next day. Any trace of my being pregnant was now gone.

All that happened seven months ago, and my fiancé ended up leaving me last month. People keep telling me that the miscarriage was a good thing or I would be a single mother today. I would be happy to be a single mom. Losing that baby was an extremely painful experience that I still feel even today. But I go on with life hoping that one day I will have a baby, but I will never forget my Madison.

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