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My Two Little Angels

by Jennifer

Wednesday 01/17/2001

I lost my first baby in December 1997. I was 12 weeks along and had had trouble from the beginning, but my doctor kept telling me that if I could just make it to 12 weeks, that would be a good sign. At 6 weeks along I had an ultrasound to make sure the pregnancy wasn't ectopic. At six weeks, there was that tiny tiny dot on the ultrasound screen, all safe and secure in the amniotic sac and doctors and I were relieved that it was a viable, normal pregnancy. At 12 weeks I started spotting and a week later, when my doctor tried to find the heartbeat he couldn't. I was sent to ultrasound once again and this time I stared at a blank screen, an amniotic sac that looked empty - baby had died and had already broken down, but the rest of the pregnancy had kept growing all along. I was told it would be best for me if I could lose the pregnancy naturally.

So, I went home for the longest week of my life and I waited, and waited, and waited and nothing happened. One night I started to have what I thought were really bad cramps and they would not let up. 24 hours later I went back to my doctor who gave me pain medication, I had been experiencing contractions. That night I felt very sick and I suddenly began to hemorrhage. The next morning doctors did a D&C, I was losing too much blood and the pregnancy just wouldn't detach. So, Christmas 1997 was a sad time for us, I missed my baby so much. In May of 1998 I found out I was pregnant again and I was so happy but absolutely terrified. The morning of my 12 week appointment I was so sick with anxiety that I could hardly make it to my appointment. Much to my relief, my doctor found baby's heartbeat immediately and all was well. I had a normal pregnancy until 25 weeks along, when I started experiencing mild contractions. By the time I went to the doctor I was dilated 2 cm and in premature labor. I've never experienced a fear like that, I was terrified. Through medication and nearly 3 months of bed rest, the labor was halted and my beautiful baby girl was born healthy and only eight days before her due date. Praise the Lord! My little miracle is almost 2 years old and she is the greatest blessing and my greatest joy. This Christmas (2000) we were again anticipating another precious baby, a little brother or sister for our daughter, and on Dec. 19 I went in for my 12 week checkup and I again heard the empty Doppler sound, a lot of static and no heartbeat. I again looked at another blank ultrasound screen and I screamed, I just couldn't believe it was happening again.

My little girl was there with my husband and I and she couldn't understand why Mommy was crying, she just sat there with me and hugged me, bless her heart. Doctors decided to schedule a D&C right away and on Dec. 22, 2000, I said goodbye to another precious angel baby. I am not doing too well, I am sad and I miss my baby. I am so thankful for my daughter but I still feel like we have this little void, where baby would have been. Yesterday my little girl came up to me and put her hand on my stomach and said, "Baby? Baby?" I was so surprised that she remembered, because it's almost been a month since I lost the baby. I felt so sorry for her and for us, the brother or sister that she lost and the son or daughter that we lost. I am angry! I don't understand why my baby has been taken again. I am trying to trust in the Lord, for I know in my heart that His ways are perfect. But it is hard and I am depressed and sad and angry.

For anyone reading this who has experienced miscarriage, I want you to know that it is ok to grieve, no matter how far along you were in pregnancy. We as mothers have a bond from the day we find out about these babies of ours and it is ok and wonderful to love them and nurture them and when they are torn away from us, it is ok to feel terrible. I am tired of people telling me, "At least you were only 12 weeks along." It is hard at any stage!! This is dedicated to my two little angel babies, gone before I knew them. I love them always and I miss them. Every June I will think of them, their due dates that will never be. I love you both.

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