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My Angel

by Beth Jones

Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999

I have read many of your stories and they all touch my heart. This website is so wonderful for those of us who have lost and have no one close who really understands. I have 2 wonderful boys who I thank God for every day.
I lost my first baby 14 years ago at 21 weeks. I just started bleeding one afternoon for no apparent reason and a week later delivered my tiny, perfect son, with no life. They said I had an incompetent cervix, so with my next pregnancies, I was on bed rest most of the time. Those pregnancies resulted in the two beautiful boys I have today. But those problems were always later on, after I was at least 4 to 6 months pregnant.

Just two weeks ago I lost my fourth baby. I thought I was 12 weeks pregnant, at that point when I had told both family and friends and you think you are ok. I started spotting exactly on the day I was 12 weeks along. I had been to the Dr. the week before, and they had not heard a heartbeat, but were not too worried as sometimes they could not hear it until 12 or 13 weeks, as was the case with my second son. They had me come in for an ultrasound just in case. With me also, they had found that the baby had probably stopped developing around 6 or 7 weeks. There was only an empty sac. I had wondered, because for several weeks I was no longer having morning sickness and had not gained weight like I had with my others. But every pregnancy is different, so you just never know.

For some reason I had a ":missed abortion", and my body thought I was still pregnant even though I really wasn't. I had to go in for a D&C because I never started miscarrying on my own. It was devastating. My husband and I were overjoyed at the thought of having a third child, especially because this one had been a surprise. I am 38, and we were not actively planning a baby, but were thrilled none the less.

I had purchased maternity clothes, and had already started planning for the baby. I really thought this one would be a girl and had already picked out her name, Madeline Kate. I will always think of this baby that way. It is so hard because I know 4 friends who are expecting close to my due date, which was in May. I find it difficult as it seems they don't like being around someone who lost their baby. It is like people are afraid it will somehow "rub off" on them. It is hard for me also, as I see people who are about as far along as I would have been had everything been ok. I miss being pregnant. Since I am older, I am also afraid I will not have another chance. I miss my baby. She, or he, will always be in my heart.

Beth

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