Colin and Kennedy

by Paula Kelly

Date: 97-05-25 13:45:14 EDT

Hi
My name is Paula and I'd like to share my story.Please post it on your
web page.

My husband and I were married 7 years before I became pregnant with
the help from a fertility drug.I'll never forget the day I found out.I took 3
tests before I even believed I could be.We decided to try not to get "too
excited" until after the "safe " 3 month mark,but nonetheless,we told
EVERYONE.Every week my husband would ask how close we were to the 12th week.We
finally got to that point without any nausea spotting ,etc...I felt
great-better than I do normally!My doctor wanted me to go for an early
ultrasound because there was a chance I could be carrying twins.Sure enough,we
hit the jackpot! I almost fainted when I saw two little babies moving around
in my belly.We were both so happy-happier than we'd ever been.A month later,on
X-mas eve,we found out we had a boy and a girl! They were growing fast and
staying healthy.I did my best to eat good for them and they were on my mind
every waking moment-especially when they started to kick! We even got a
picture of our boy kicking our girl in the head- they were starting early!
On the morning of February 6th, I woke up at my normal time and
as I let my dogs out, I thought to myself, I must be getting a cold. I never
get sick so I knew I just didn't feel right,but I was well enough to go to
work. When I got to work I took my temp and it was only 100.02-nothing to get
worried about.I remember feeling an unusual pain in my stomach when I went to
get up during the day , but I just thought this was just another new symptom
of being pregnant. By 2 that afternoon I wasn't feeling any better, so I
decided to go home and lay down.On my way home in my car ,I started to pay
more attention to these unusual pains in my stomach and realized at that point
they were coming and going every 10 minutes or so.That's when I got scared. I
called my doctor and he told me to get right to the hospital. When I got there
and saw they had a room set up for me-I panicked. I told them I wouldn't be
staying-I wasn't going to lose my babies.They hooked me up to a contraction
machine and found out I was having contractions.At this point my doctor said
he'd do an exam and we'd discuss it from there.When he went to examine me, he
could see one of the babies sac. He told me we might still have a chance but
he advised me of all the possibilities. It was all so terrifying.He
immediately rushed me to a maternity hospital that deals with high-risk
pregnancies.When I got there I was worse.My temp had shot up to 105 and I
thought all three of us were going to die.My white blood cell count had risen
dramatically which told them I had an infection .They told me if I didn't
deliver the babies that night, I would have serious trouble.They said my
chances of a future pregnancy would go down to nil because of all the scarring
and complications I had from this infection.We had a priest come in and bless
us all and then they induced me. At 12:05am on February 7th, my beautiful son
Colin was born and 1 minute later his beautiful sister Kennedy was born.I
remember not wanting to see them because I knew they'd only live but a few
minutes outside me and I was angry at myself for letting them down.They took
them away in a tiny incubator and as I saw them leave I realized I needed to
hold them and see them. We asked the nurses to bring them in to us.They were
so small,but so perfect.We had the priest come back and baptize them. I
sometimes regret seeing them and holding them, because maybe I could've
convinced myself that there was something severely wrong with them and they
were "better off" in heaven.
We had them buried in the baby graveyard in our town ,with just
myself, my husband, and our priest.I've only been back there once since and it
made me so sad that I haven't gone back. I know their little souls are in
heaven,but it's still hard for me to see the grave
I thank God everyday for my wonderful husband who has been so
patient,strong and understanding.I'll never forget my first week back at work
and I'd never felt so lonely.I would run out to my car and call him and just
break down.He'd always reassure me that they were with God and they were
actually praying for ME.He always made me feel I could continue on with my
life and I never had to forget them.I never thought I'd get past that
completely empty feeling I had,but one day at a time ,I'm feeling better.( :
The book "When Bad Things Happen To Good People " helped me a lot and I'd
advise anyone who questions their faith,regardless of religion,to read it.
We know now that it was Group B Strep that I'd caught.The doctors
say I'm well enough to try again and when I do get pregnant, they'll watch me
closely.I'd like to blame someone for this tragedy,but there's no one to
blame.
I hope we'll have the large family we want someday, but I'll never
forget my two little angels.
Please e-mail me if any one has had a similar experience and would like to
talk about it. It helps.