Little Erik

by Cheryl Kolins

This is our story about Erik our son, our first child. He was a stillbirth at 38 and half weeks. Sunday, June 29, 1997 I felt something wasn't quite right. Erik was a very active baby inside me, and that day I didn't feel any movements but I thought maybe he was having an off day. Two days before I was at my doctor's and an O.B.GYN that day. I saw two doctors in one day and everything was fine. His heartbeat was around 142 per minute, very strong so I didn't think anything of it. Then Monday June 30th, when I awoke I still felt something wasn't right so I went to my doctor that morning just to check it out. I thought I was being paranoid. But when she went to listen for the heartbeat she couldn't find one. I was scared and I just knew something was wrong. She then sent me to the hospital for tests to see if they could find his heartbeat. But they couldn't find one either so they sent me down for an ultrasound. My doctor had phone my husband for me and told him to meet me at the hospital. We were both terrified and unsure for they wouldn't even let him come with me for the ultrasound. While we were waiting in my room for the results which was killing us, Doug finally went to find out and ran into my doctor who told him Erik didn't make it.

He came into my room and told me, I'll never forget those words as long as I live "Cheryl, the baby didn't make it". We both broke down and cried. I have never felt such pain in my life, nothing has ever hurt me more. To make a long story short they induced me that day and I delivered him at 2:00am. He looked just like his father, spittin' image. He was perfect in every way and healthy. The umbilical cord kinked like a garden hose three inches from his stomach and cut off any supply of oxygen and blood. At least he didn't suffer.

I remember feeling like we were the only ones whoever went through this. And you know, nobody ever really understands or knows exactly how you're feeling. I felt like I left the hospital with an empty heart and empty arms. I found out about this "First Person" on the Internet and was so relieved to know that other people have gone through the same pain and agony as we did. It has taken me two months to be able to put all this in words but I would feel better knowing I can also relate to many others out there. Just remember until you've been through something as tragic as this, you'll never fully understand and appreciate what life is all about. Just so you know, Doug & I will be trying again shortly we are not going to let this defeat us, all one can do is go on for nothing will ever bring Erik back to me this I know.

I've wrote a little something of a poem to my son Erik, here it is:

A CHILD LOST

NO PITTER PATTER OF LITTLE FEET,
NO HUNGRY CRIES IN THE NIGHT,
AND NOBODY TO CALL ME MOMMY.
MY HEART ACHES FOR THE CHILD THAT'S LOST.

NO WORDS CAN EXPRESS THE PAIN I FEEL,
IT IS DEFINITELY REAL.
NOTHING TO CALL MY OWN,
I NEVER GOT TO BRING YOU HOME.

A BEAUTIFUL CHILD YOU WERE,
AND ALWAYS WILL BE IN MY HEART.
TO COME HOME WITH EMPTY ARMS,
I DID SUCCUMB TO YOUR CHARMS.

THESE TEARS THAT ARE FALLING ARE FOR
THE CHILD I LOST AND THAT GOD FOUND.
MAY THE ANGELS BLESS YOU AND KEEP
YOU IN THEIR CARE.

WILL THIS PAIN EVER GO AWAY?
IT IS GETTING BETTER EVERYDAY.
ANOTHER MILESTONE IN MY LIFE, THIS ONE
ONLY TO GIVE ME GRIEF AND STRIFE.

OPEN ARMS AND A HEART FULL OF LOVE
WILL GREET YOU WHEN I GET TO
HEAVEN ONE DAY.
I'LL SEE YOU IN HEAVEN LITTLE ERIK, MY
GUARDIAN ANGEL.

LOVE ALWAYS,
MOMMY

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