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When will I find happiness?

by Kristyn in Michigan

Date: Fri, 30 Oct 1998

On March 9, 1998, I received confirmation from my doctor that my husband and I were finally pregnant with our first child after 6 long months of trying. I was just about 4 1/2 weeks along. I did feel some morning sickness, but nothing that I couldn't handle. The morning of Easter Sunday, I woke and I felt great. I was able to keep my breakfast down and everything. During that week I hadn't really paid much attention to the soreness in my breast going away either. On the Friday, April 17, 1998 at 10 weeks along, I stayed home from work, I just wasn't feeling right. After seeing the slightest pink color on the toilet tissue, my mother and my husband rushed me to the emergency room. My doctor did an exam, stating that my cervix was closed and that she didn't see any signs of bleeding but ordered a vaginal ultra sound anyway. While I was getting my ultra sound, my doctor received my blood work results back. She stated to my husband and I that my hormone levels were very low, they found no heartbeat and that the fetus had stopped growing at 9 weeks. A D&C was performed that night.

I was devastated! I could not believe that this was happening to us. The baby that we had waited for, the baby I have dreamed about delivering my whole entire life.... gone. My doctor said that we would only have to wait one regular cycle before trying again. We instead waited four.

On September 3, we found out that again we were pregnant. This time it wasn't planned, it just happened. I was so scared. I cried when I found out, I cried because I didn't want to go through again what I had just been through 4 months prior, my heart couldn't take to be broken again. I wasn't due to see the doctor until September 16. On September 12, after having sex with my husband I noticed some brown spotting when I wiped. I had spoke with tons of friends and they all said it was probably plantion spotting, so no need to worry, WRONG! I spotted for a 4 days straight. I had called the doctor's office and they told me to come in right away, one day before my scheduled visit. My doctor was out of town, so her colleague did the exam instead. That doctor told me that my cervix was closed and that the brownish coloring was not coming from inside my uterus, but from the outside. So we went home.

The next day I was fine. Thursday September 17, 5 months exactly to day of my first miscarriage, I was again losing all of my hopes and dreams, I was miscarrying for a second time. I rushed into the doctor's office where I was told that my blood work from two days prior, had very low counts. I was told to go home and relax. Yeah right! After being told that your second child was gone, how could you relax? On October 9, 1998 I finally had a second D&C due to my body not being able to totally naturally miscarry.

I don't know when we are going to start trying again. I don't really want to think about it right now! I just want to try to get out of my depression rut that I seem to be stuck in! Feel free to email me with any comments, or if you are going through the same thing! 

Sincerely, Kristyn in Michigan

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