These days are filled with a lot of tears

by Vicki LaFrance

Date: Sun, 7 Feb 1999

I have never been one to use the Internet much or talk to complete strangers about my problems but somehow after readings your stories, I felt a strong feeling of comfort, support and above all understanding. For I too have just gone through the most painful experience I have ever had to date and needed someone to share it with. My thoughts may be disorganized as I am still trying to figure out how and why this happened. Please bear with me as I explain my story to you.

On December 4th, my husband and I received the exciting news that every couple trying wants to hear "Congratulations!! You're expecting." We had only been trying for one month and were a little shocked (but felt blessed) that it had happened so fast. I knew very well that almost everyone tells you to wait three months before sharing your excitement but we decided to tell our friends and family. We live in a small town and before long everybody knew. Our life seemed perfect.

I went for a prenatal checkup at 10 weeks and the doctor tried to hear the heartbeat. Nothing could be heard but he reassured me not to worry because I was only 10 weeks and to come back in 2 weeks. I went home, had some tears, read every pregnancy book in the house and then somehow convinced myself not to worry and we would see what happened at 12 weeks. My husband and I went to my next appointment at 12 weeks. Once again the doctor put gel all over my tummy and began looking for the heartbeat. Nothing. He scheduled me for an ultrasound the following Wednesday (it was Thursday) and once again told me not to worry. The week went by very slowly however I was not overly worried because I wasn't bleeding or cramping.

I will never forget the morning of Tuesday Feb. 2nd. The bell had just rung at school (I teach Kindergarten) and I thought I would dash quickly to the bathroom before the kids were in the room. I was completely stunned when I saw blood and have no idea how I told my principal the story through my sobs of pain. My husband took me to the hospital and the doctor said my cervix was closed and to go home and put my feet up and we would wait to see what the ultrasound showed tomorrow. What a long night! The next morning I was still bleeding and I knew in my heart things were not good. The ultrasound showed that our baby stopped growing at 7 1/2 weeks and there was no heartbeat to be heard. I have never felt pain like that before. My heart felt like it was tearing in two and as it stills continues to. I had a D & C that night and went home the next morning.

These days are filled with a lot of tears. I am only truly happy when I am sleeping because at this time I can forget about it briefly. Of course, then I have to await and face the horror and reality. Before this horrible experience, I read books about labor and delivery and wondered if I was going to be able to handle the pain. Maybe I am being naive because I have never delivered a baby; however, I feel that the pain of labor can be nothing compared to the pain I am feeling today. However horrifying and painful labor is I will know in my head and my heart that it is for a certain length of time whether it be hours or days - but when will this pain that tears me up stop hurting so bad?? The timeline is unknown and that is what makes me cry more. I also am filled with fear of what will happen next time because I don't know if I can handle this pain all over again.

I thank God for the wonderful support group he has blessed me with for without my wonderful husband, my loving friends and family I have no idea where I would be.

To all the other women out there who are suffering through the same pain, my thoughts are with you. To all the other women out there who just wanted that little baby to one day call them "Mommy", my prayers are with you. To all our little precious ones who we did not get the chance to hold, please know that you are loved deeply!!

Take care and God Bless.

Vicki