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First Pregnancy and Miscarriage

by Mari

December 23, 1999

I read some of the letters written by other mothers and gathered up just enough courage to write one of my own.

My boyfriend and I met only about six months ago but we are two peas in a pod. We are just meant to be together and have a family together. We knew this the moment we met. Although we did not plan this pregnancy, we were absolutely ecstatic when we found out. I did two home pregnancy tests in a row and they were both positive. We said to each other, "We are proud owners of a little pink line." We were so happy about this baby that we told everyone. Families, friends, Co-workers. They were all very happy for us and all gave us their little advises on pregnancy and having a family. I kept good record of my periods since I have been having ovarian cysts every cycle. So when my doctor asked me what my last period was I knew exactly which day it was.

At my first appointment, I was 8 weeks pregnant. She checked me vaginally and said that my uterus size confirms the date. I was having all kinds of symptoms except morning sickness. I had backaches, heartburn, breast soreness, bloating, etc, body was definitely changing to make room for this new life inside of my belly. I went online everyday to find out what I should do, should avoid, what my baby should look like by now, that sort of thing to get myself ready for this new experience. My boyfriend was equally excited and enthusiastic and supportive about learning together. We were just as happy as two people can be.

Then on December 15, 1999, when I went to bathroom in the morning, I noticed that I was bleeding a little bit of light brownish blood. The amount was minor and there was no pain, so I tried not to worry about it too much and went to work as usual. I called my doctor to let her know and she wanted me to come in for an ultrasound. It was just to make sure that everything was okay. So I called my boyfriend that I was going in but told him not to worry and went in by myself. When the technician couldn't see anything with abdominal ultrasound, she did a vaginal ultrasound and found my empty uterus. She asked me if I was sure about my dates and I innocently wondered why in the world she would ask such a question. It didn't occurred to me till later that I should have seen a little fetus about an inch and half long in my uterus. I started to feel that there is something definitely wrong but I still didn't believe that anything could have been wrong. I have always been a pretty healthy person and there is no history of miscarriage in my family that I knew of.

When my doctor came in and told me that I am either miscarrying or my fetus is very underdeveloped, it took me a minute and then I shattered into little pieces. I was to go get some blood tests done to see if my HCG level is going down. I tried not to cry at the checkout desk and in my car but tears would just run down my cheeks. When I went home, I could not look at my boyfriend's face for a while because I felt it was my fault. But I screamed and cried in his arms like a little girl and he cried too like a man.

I don't think I have ever felt this much sadness in my entire life. This little baby was a big part of our lives already. We already made rooms in our hearts to love it and cherish it forever. When we lost it, there were just these empty spaces left in our hearts that we still cannot fill. I have read some stories of other moms losing more than one baby. I don't think I can take this much sorrow anymore. I am so afraid that this may happen to me again. My doctor tells me that I have just as good chance to have a healthy pregnancy than any other woman whom never had a miscarriage but what guarantees do I have? People have told me that we can try again. I know that everybody is trying his or her best to comfort us but there is absolutely nothing that anyone can say that make me feel any better. I don't want the next baby. I wanted this baby. Except there was this one thing my friend told me which I found comforting. She said that her mom had four miscarriages and she still talks and cries about them. But she also says that when she dies and goes to heaven, she wants to raise those four children in heaven. I like the thought of maybe meeting my baby someday. It seems to give me peace.

I went back to the doctor a week from the day I started bleeding. By that time, I was bleeding red blood but not so much in amount or pain. However, the day of the appointment, I started to bleed a lot more and the horrible acute pain started. The pain came in few minutes' intervals. The doctor's office was full of women with big bellies that day. They all had the "glow" I once had. The ultrasound showed nothing in my uterus. My uterus seemed very small. The technician didn't say anything to us. When she was just about to go get my doctor, another doctor with his patient interrupted us to say that if the technician could work her into her schedule because she wanted to know the sex of her baby. Why couldn't they wait till the technician was outside of my room? I didn't want to hear that.

Since they had to work me into their schedule, there was no room for me and they had to move me twice from room to room. One nurse must had mistaken me for just a regular checkup and insisted she needed my urine sample after I had already emptied my bladder. I had no energy left to argue. The doctor examined me and told me that my cervix was closed and my ultrasound showed nothing inside so she rather not do a D&C. She sent us home with painkiller prescription. I was in so much pain I could barely walk with my boyfriend's help. When we came home, I went to bathroom and I felt that I passed something. I was afraid to see what it was so I didn't. But I know it wasn't very big and my physical pain for the most part went away with it. My doctor wants me to do another blood test next week, for what I have no idea. I don't even have any ambition to ask anymore. She says we can try again for another baby in three month but that is the physical side of the story. I am not sure if I will be ready emotionally.

This was my first pregnancy and miscarriage. I know now that this is something nobody would understand unless it happened to her also. This web site has been very helpful for me to find out that there are so many women out there who feels exactly like me.

Thanks for listening to my story.


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