Oct.5,2000 It now has been 5 months since I lost my baby. The pregnancy was quite unexpected but to me that was ok. My husband was not thrilled at the prospect of having another child ,our fifth. But he came around .Then after waiting weeks to tell our family and friends I began to spot. On May 1,2000 ,a beautiful day, I found out there was no fetal heartbeat. I was devastated. By the end of May it seemed everyone had forgotten after making sure I felt ridiculous for feeling so sad. I am still grieving though I do take time every day to enjoy my living children. I long to see the color of my baby's eyes, my baby's hair and to hold my baby close. I don't even know after 12 weeks of nurturing if my baby was a son or a daughter . Some days I am sad and some days I am angry. Most days I hope that when I reach heaven I will reach out to receive my angel baby from my Father's loving arms. I pray everyday that today's tears will wash away all my sorrow. An aunt of my husband told me her mother heard from her doctor at 90 years old she had only months to live . She turned to her daughter and said soon I will go to heaven and hold my baby. It had been almost 60 years since she had lost her baby. Though I have been blessed with four wonderful boys I still feel overwhelmingly grief and lost for this child. Please respect that and remember for me it seems like only yesterday I heard the bad news.