Pain

by Theresa McCormack

I wrote this because it is just one of those hard days for me and I was surfing the net and came across your site. I don't really share my story with many people because they just don't understand, but something compelled me to share my story with you. Thank you for taking the time.

Date: Sat, 11 Oct 2003

My twin sister died of SIDS over 26 years ago and I live each day with a hole in my heart and life.

The loss of a family member is hard to begin with but losing a sibling is really hard, and losing a twin is just unimaginable pain. It has been a very long time since Cathy died but everyday I deal with it. My parents still have a very hard time talking about it. My father especially, he blames himself. Growing up we couldn't even go to the cemetery together because it was so hard for him. For the longest time I always felt that when ever he looked at me he would blame me because I was a constant reminder of what was lost. I no longer feel that he blames me because we have talked about it but I am still a constant reminder of what was lost.

Every time I did/do important things like graduate from high school, move out on my own, and most recently get engaged I get angry because she is supposed to be here doing and sharing all these things with me. I wonder all the time if we would look exactly alike or would there we differences? Would we have the same personality or would we be different?

It has been 26 years and the pain is still as bad as if it happened yesterday. I have learned to live my life with the pain but many times I wonder about how things would be different if it never happened. And the big thing is nobody really understands the pain and emptiness I feel. Yes, my three other sisters also lost a sibling but they didn't lose a piece of themselves like I did. When you are a twin it is just different. Yes, we were only 7 weeks and 3 days old when she passed but I feel like I knew/know her better than I do my other sisters who I have spent my entire life with. It is just an unexplainable bond.