In My Own World
Date: Sat, 16 Jun 2001
I just want to share with someone what I am going through, the doctors have told me in the past that if I ever wanted to get pregnant that I would need to take fertility drugs, but needless to say last Tuesday I found out I was pregnant and going to have a baby, My fiancé and I were so in shock that I was pregnant and I couldn't even believe it I thought for sure it would never happen, but as my fiancé and I started picking baby names and talking about other related issues I began to believe it more and more. I started to dream about actually being a mother and caring for someone who one day will call me mommy. Then I started to spot the doctor's told me that was normal and just to call if it got heavier or the spotting got more red and of course it did it started almost a week later after finding out but the strange thing is that I had an HCG level the following Monday and then Wednesday had another it is going up the doctor said so once again I had a hope that maybe my baby will be ok. So I suggested a sonogram and my doctor called to tell me she had set me up for one and after the sonogram it showed nothing but an empty womb and thank God empty tubes, now that it is all over and I am digesting the whole thing everyone around me acts as though nothing has even happened when I just feel like I have been through a war. I guess my problem was the whole time during the miscarriage I had to go on with life making meals, cleaning house and working. So now I am left feeling a little sorry for myself that I had no grieving time and when I talk about it all I hear is at least you can get pregnant now. or you are young you will have plenty of chances, but through all the words it still does not take away the pain that I just lost my baby.
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