Colors Of My Grief

For the love of Meredith Allyce
January 4 - February 15, 1988
by Rachael Nix, 1/96

reprinted with permission

Yellow - the color of the sun I fear I will never see again. But also the color of happiness, the happiness that I know will eventually break through, as the sun breaks through the clouds.

Blue - the color of our emotions, at times, as we think of her. But also the color of the sky, on a perfect day - it surrounds her, where she is now.

Pink - the color we buried her in. The color of baby girls - everything she had was pink. The color of the carnations, her birth flower, that surrounded her on her last day above the ground. But also the color of the carnations, that sit on my kitchen sink, alive and beautiful - as she was.

Purple - the color of solemnity. But also the color of peace, an inner peace that comes with knowing - she is safe, not suffering, that she didn't suffer here, either.

Red - the color of anger. Anger at everything and everyone, at nothing and no one. But also the color of strength. The strength to go on with life, to make an effort in the fight.

White - the color of her casket. The color of the snow that lay over her grave. But also the color of God and Heaven, the color of the angels' robes.

Green - the color of hope, and only hope. Like the dependable burst of spring, at the end of a long, miserable winter. Hope that someday, no more babies will die without reason. Hope that out life and the lives of other SIDS parents will bloom in quality, and in happiness. Hope that someday, someday, I will see her again.

Love, Mommy