Questions from Friends & Family
by Rachael Nix, 7/96
reprinted with permission
As far as comments about the sex of your child: I think that people say things like that just to make conversation. If you had never had a SIDS baby they would still be saying the same thing.
We also know that we are having a boy - though we're not telling people (except the sids listserver, I guess...). I already anticipate "oh, a boy. You wanted a girl, didn't you?, and etc." My SIDS baby was a girl, so when my sub sib was a boy - that was kind of a good thing because I didn't want to try to replace Merry. This way people never made the inevitable comparisons and I didn't have a sense of deja vu. This time though, I kind of wanted another girl - I was ready and I wanted it to be a girl *because* of Merry. There was a certain sense of disappointment when the ultrasound tech said, it's a boy! but that doesn't mean I won't love and want him just the same. It just means I look longingly at the cute little girl clothes and give my guy an extra squeeze (though my belly at the moment). But I know that people won't think that I don't love him just the same - even though he is a stinky little boy! However, I also know they are going to make dumb comments, because everyone knew I wanted a girl. So, I prepare myself - my standard response: a girl would have been nice, but I'm just so happy that he's OK that I really can't get too concerned over it. As long as he is healthy and doesn't die, I'm a happy camper!" (I was on a medication that can seriously injure the fetus - and we just found out there is no damage done!)
We as SIDS parents tend to be overly (in other people's eyes) sensitive about our kids. Try to interpret comments from other people as they probably intended them. Like I said, you would probably get the same comments even if your little one hadn't died. Anticipate the comments and have something to say already planned out. If you have a standard response and give it regularly, you might eventually become immune to dumb statements.
Hope this helps,
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