by Tara Lyn Metzler
Date: Wed, 10 Sep 1997
Three weeks ago, Sunday August 17, 1997, 36 weeks pregnant I went to the hospital in severe pain. The Doctor's took way to long but finally did an ultrasound. After being in there all day (and even went on Saturday night only to be sent home because there was a strong fetal heartbeat, they didn't care I was in so much pain that I couldn't even walk) they did two ultrasounds and one showed a small spot of blood on my placenta. When they went to put me back on the fetal monitor they couldn't find my son's heartbeat. They drug the ultrasound machine back over to find the heartbeat, needless to say it was gone. Among my screaming and crying I begged for a c-section to get him out and breathing again they simply said no we don't do that it was a placental abruption, we are sorry.
Why didn't they just rip my heart out then and there. I think that would hurt a whole lot less. I know it would. It's only been two weeks so I still feel like I could drop over and die any day now from this pain that I feel. Thank God for family because I don't know what I would do without all of them. Especially my husband who has no more tears left to cry. He just holds me when I cry, for I have many more tears to cry and many are falling as I write this.
Hours later they finally brought in a high risk specialist who told my family that if I didn't have a c-section I could very well bleed to death. Not only that, I was still in severe danger, my husband was told that I was not out of the woods yet. We then signed the paperwork giving permission to operate, one of the things they explained and I had to sign was that I might die. The last thing I remember is my husband saying you just better save my wife. At this point I was wondering would it matter if I didn't make it because then I could be with my son. Although that would be very selfish of me because then I would be leaving my husband and my 6 year old daughter behind as well.
I obviously made it through the surgery with a blood transfusion I might add, but I am here, and glad about that now.
When I awoke from surgery, it was time to see my son. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Even with his blue/black lips and grayish color he was beautiful. He had blonde curly hair. Just a precious thing. All 6 pounds and 18 1/2 inches of him.
HELLO GAVIN, GOODBYE ANGEL!
Today we have to say goodbye
Hello Gavin, my sweet baby boy
My beautiful boy turned Angel
You look a lot like Daddy
Your tiny heartbeat disappeared
As I kiss your sweet face
Well my son we love you
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